Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It has often been said that only in your darkest hour, will you know who truly are the ones who love you and who care for you. Do you believe in this? I do quite a lot. I don't know what I'll do without Be, Si Min, Wei Lian, and Kenneth- my ex shi fu. Thank you. I'll pull through. I always do. But there's something different this time round. I dare not say it will be easier -the hardships- but I dare say I have the full amount of support, encouragement, and help that I need, which I never knew I ever actually managed to hold incredibly intact within my life.

It seems we always need someone else to help get us up to our feet once again. I don't believe this shows weakness of any sort, and even if it does, this weakness is a beautiful double-edged sword. But anyway, I'm usually not the sort who will vocally and loudly express my grief and seek a helping hand, though people change and I do so sometimes. But mostly, I keep to myself for various reasons of all sorts, and the people who somehow, just somehow, know how I feel, fill me with such immense greatfulness and wondrous amazement.

How did you know?

How did you find out?

And how did you know, that I needed you?

How did you know that you should speak up, voice out your concerns? How did you know I didn't need some time alone, or, was just plain mental? I don't believe it's all pure luck, although I won't rule out the fact that it could be luck or personality or both. But you see, I didn't know. That I needed you. That I needed you to know.

And why did you care?

I know all of you can answer all these questions remarkably well, but the point is, I don't have one. Oh yes, the point is: Thank you. And thank you to those who cared for a self-absorbed nobody but kept silent in their sincere way.

When I was going through a certain difficult period of time, a happy-go-lucky friend asked me, "Are you having that thing?"

"Huh? What thing?"

"That thing..."

"WHAT?"

"Your period lar!"

I laughed so hard then. I laughed at her child-like innocence (if, it is even considered innocent at all) and simplicity in looking at matters; in the way her features fumbled up in worry and great dead seriousness.

"No," I said.

Not everything boils down to PMS my dear girl. You just don't go around asking girls that every single time they look troubled. But maybe in your world you do believe in that. And how adorable is that? How truly straightforward and uncomplicating is that? Her theory works for anything and everything for a girl, and it's entirely trouble-free, not counting having your period as trouble that is.

When someone asks, "What's wrong with you? Are you okay? What happened?"


Or when you ask yourself, "Why me? Why is life so tough? Why do I always feel like crying?"

All you have to say is, "It's because I'm having my period."

Ah. How very effortless. :P

And another thing I want to say is, have I forgotten you?

When you kept silent, like I do, and your sorrows were buried in secret, and life passed us both by, was I there for you?

And if I wasn't, I am sorry.

Sometimes I knew/know. I kept/keep silent because I didn't dare. I thought to myself, "What right do I have? And I'm not even close to him/her. And he/she could think I'm just a busybody with nothing better to do. What if he/she just wants to have some time alone and I'm interrupting? And anyway he/she should have friends who will console him/her right? Aiyah he/she will be okay again tomorrow lar."

So many stupid questions. But maybe I should have tried, stripped away my fears and selfishness and baseless assumptions that allowed me to continually dwell in my own comfort zone.

Maybe you should try too. Think about it. What's the worse that could happen?

Another poem for the fellow insomniacs:

Title: I Cry For You

I was sauntering in the dark,
Two white limps out of place.
I felt the shark of black inhale,
As it pressed I buried my face.
I cried for You.
To save me. To love me.

The withering blossoms scattered
In lingering shadows of nostalgia.
Bleeding petals fell on my lips,
Disintegrating into pieces.
I cried for You.
To heal me. Forgive me.

I cry for You.

I cry for You
Still.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

me loves faiths lots & lots too!
take care :)
u not self centred lar pls... it's just that sometimes u think u're lousy & everyone is so wei da dat u feel so worthless and crap... actually, it works both ways... notice i'm using singlish? MUAHAHA... paiseh.. just woke up so i cranky.. yar... as i was saying, u may feel like what u did for ur fren is nthing compared to what ur fren did to u... but in actual fact, u are a world to me, esp during my darkest times... :) it's so nice to noe that someone cares for ur existence... love ya faith! lots and lots too! take care! :) MUACKS
u shld noe who am i
hahaha
SM aka senior minister

qt said...

cause we're frens!!! heh. love ya loads!! Believe in Him and He'll give u the strength. Amen!!! :))

qt said...

hey, forgot to add sth just now. hah. remember the three thigns we gotta do after ur trip oki ya?? and always tell me ur joys and sorrows. update me on ur life. i want to noe. i want to share in ur happiness and hurts. take care loads.