I am so so so busy trying to keep myself together with AEP's painting and drawing and painting and drawing, Debate and Journalism's writing and promoting, my lousy history with history, literature's many books piling up and collecting dust while I attempt to read them without falling asleep, literature s paper's many books piling up and collecting dust while I attempt to read them without falling asleep, that I sleep only about 1-3 hours every day or don't even sleep at all and end school at around 6-7 pm every day and fall into laspes of coma during the weekends in between rushing and churning out work that was supposed to be finished the week before. Sometimes I work so hard that I go crazy and depressed and I wonder why I'm even working so hard. All the running and the running out of air and the chasing after vanishing time and the trying to keep up with everybody else who has done this and done that while I've done nothing at all. Sometimes it feels like I've done nothing at all. I've been struggling to maintain balance, going in insane circles round and round, chasing something so vague and indistinct I don't know what I'm even chasing or why I'm even running or continuing to run anymore. Sometimes it feels like all the efforts I'm putting in will never be good enough and I'm angry and disappointed with myself and I'm afraid that everything I'm juggling will crumble and I will collaspe in the end. Sometimes it feels like everybody wants a piece of me and I'm being pulled in all the different directions.
But mostly, I'm happy being this busy. I'm not greedy. I'm trying to be content that life is as it is. I asked for most of my troubles. I just have to deal with them and make the most out of them. I guess I just wish I had more time for the people that mean so much to me, and that this horrid nagging feeling lurking at the back of my mind that I keep pushing away and that keeps screaming without stopping, "You can't do it. You're going to break down," will just dissipate.
I'm tired. I don't want to lose myself in the midst of fighting for the things I am passionate about.
For the first time this year, I ignored, blocked, totally annihilated the existence of someone who has been harrassing me and frustrating me. I guess there are some people that you can't afford to be nice to. Life isn't fair. It's up to you to make it fair for yourself. And I don't care how much that person loves me or pretends to love me. I can't be bothered because I have better and much much more important things to think about and worry about. And because my ability to face that person is working out so well for me, I've started to have more confidence in myself and I feel a lot happier. It just boils down to, "Fuck off. Stop wasting my time. And stop wasting your's." But actually, to be honest, he's the only exception to all my sugary nice-ness. (Er hem.)
I feel that I seem to be able to handle relationships better now. As much as I want the people around me to be happy, and as much as I care for them, I also need to be fair to myself and stand up for what I feel. I don't want to be taken advantage of any longer. I don't want to be weak and easily bullied. It's so simple and kind of stupid isn't it? But I used to fret over these kind of stuff all the time last year. Trying not to hurt the person's feelings, trying to go soft on the person, trying to come to some sort of diplomatic mutual agreement, always giving way and swallowing my pride until I become so inured to my own pain and grudges. What's the point of it all? Sometimes being honest and direct saves a lot of time and saves a lot of myself and my feelings as well.
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Strive to be happy."
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Something I've been thinking about:
I can't help but be disturbed in the truth that "One's success is another person's failure."
My only consolation is in the truth that "May the best man win."