Tuesday, May 23, 2006
(The funny things we do for art. Shining really bright lights on my face until I nearly went blind.)
It's 3 am in the morning, Tuesday. This is Faith here, your resident Insomniac. I just woke up from my 9 pm 'nap' on a Monday night. I need to find people with the same disorder as me so I won't feel so alone during these hours. Please add me to your MSN! Or rather, I need to revert back to what's considered normal, which is rather difficult to attempt so far. Heh. You see, I usually go through a long gruelling day of school which ends around 4 pm on a good day and 6.30-8 pm on a regular day; basically dull routine at a punishing pace. By the time I get home I'm seriously malfunctioning and completely totally absolutely brain dead. I laspe into a supposedly short 'nap' / 'fainting spell' without even eating or bathing, making me appear like a ridiculously smelly Nanyang corspe, me in school uniform lying down straight as a ruler on the sofa with arms folded neatly resting on top of my body. This 'nap' lasts for as long as 4-6 hours, thereby allowing me to emerge as the Vampirish Faith you are on intimate terms with in the ungodly hours of the morning. Mwahaha.
Trouble is, sometimes I don't even want to sleep, as tired as I am, and with the lights switched off I simply lie on the sofa and stare out the window into the dark and hear the passing cars outside whizz by my block, throwing catches of shadows and flashes of red and yellow lights and shapes on the ceiling. I won't deny that this sometimes does make me feel suicidal (I don't know why) and I imagine myself slowly leaving the house, climbing up the stairs to the highest story of my HDB flat and taking the plunge all the way down. I don't know why I don't take the lift since I live on the 6th floor and it's a long way up to the top, but I suppose when you're emotionally depressed as a girl you tend to romanticize and dramatise death. :P
During moments like these, I never feel any sense of fear or guilt that one gets when one starts to panick with regrets for being so foolish. What stops me from making this sick fantasy a truth is only this: If I have the courage to face death, I have even more courage to face life. Doesn't it sound all too simple and cheesy? Yet it really is that simple. Death, is one of the most or I dare say the most intimidating and terrifying of fears. And if I no longer am afraid of it and can look it right in the eye, I have triumphed over it, and there is nothing more I could possibly fear. It's that simple.
I remember reading a quote from somewhere that went something like, "Live. Live your life as well as you can. You have plenty of time to be dead later." Death, you see, is inevitable and unavoidable. It is an unstoppable force that grabs hold of you without warning and knocks you out cold. Life, on the other hand, is a gift. Life, is a miracle. Life, is to be cherished, because it can be taken away from you at any single second of the day when death comes lurking to your door.
Death, I think, is such a frighteningly mystifying realm of unimaginable consequences. No one knows what it really is or what really happens when you die. Death is nothing more than a mere fabricated word and you can never know anything about it for sure. I feel it's so much more infinitely veiled and daunting as compared to life. At least for life, you are living it out right now with every breath you take and therefore you should be able to grasp it slightly better than death even with limited understanding. I mean, at least life is tangible. You have family, friends and lovers to walk with you through it. Death, however, is intangible. It is unknown territory with uncharted waters where you probably have to travel on your own, and I think I would rather much try out my luck living than dying.
Anyway just to digress, to those of you wondering how much I received for the English literature award during College Day, here's the answer: $50. In cheque. So yes I'm not rich okay. >_< Bahh they should have just given me the dollar bill so it's not so troublesome. Haha. And no I'm not going to give any treats. :P
Posted by Faith at 3:35 am