Wednesday, May 10, 2006

We'll do it all
On our own

We don't need
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here I
f I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Addicted to this song. Not really how I've been feeling at the moment, but the melody is hard to pull away from. It haunts like a mending dream. Words that comes out with much difficulty. A painful, honest, romantic truth.

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel.
At certain hours in the night comes an unbearable pain. A dead body on top of me so I can hardly breathe beneath the weight of it all. I feel the need to cry because it hurts but I don't feel I have the right. I am always denying myself; punishing myself. So the tears that slips down becomes shameful and ugly with self-pity. I need someone who understands. I want to tell you, "This is who I am. This is everything I am made up of. Please don't judge me. Please don't criticize or scrutinize me. Please listen to me. Even if I don't make sense. Please don't walk away from me. I am afraid. I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid of the next day and I know but I don't know why."

I think of the people who have walked away from me lately, the people whom I revealed my flaws and weaknesses to, the people who made empty promises to be there for me and all that cheesy talk, but turned around to sink their teeth deep. And I repaid them with smiles because I always smile to hide what I feel. It is stupid but it is true. A smile with sarcasm, a smile with shock, a smile with pain, a smile when something within me seems to have been broken. A smile. A smile is all they see. Sometimes I wish I could reveal more to spite them and make them feel some ounce of guilt. But some mechanical part of my body whips out a silly smile. Maybe my eyes could have been saying a different thing or maybe I have simply learned too well how to cover up how I feel instantly without losing a second with the greatest of wounded pride.

I remember him telling me, "Its not funny. I'm being serious." And I remember that it made me laugh even more because he was right. It was not funny. I was hurt. I was angry. But I was speechless with a silly silly smile, unable to defend myself. And I wondered why he couldn't see what I was really feeling when in the first place I suppose I wouldn't let him. I bet no one else has as retarded a defense mechanism as me. Smile smile smile.

We won't get much sleep.

-Firelight by Snow Patrol

I will be okay. In a day or two. I am always okay.

I have been thinking of the inherent contradiction in relationships. If I could have all the time in the world, I would write it down with perfect words, craft a story where I can pick the problems apart and analyse the emotions that makes us who we are.

They will never need each other. Not in that way. No they will never need each other. When they leave, they will leave without notice and it will not matter to either. When he leaves her it is without a word or a sound. She will not be dreaming. He never leaves anything behind. No scent or strands of hair or a vague dent on the bed with the messy sheets. Not a fingerprint or mark on her body to suggest his presence. It will be the same for her. They are the pair you see only in the darkness of a one way street. The pair who seems apart but together. They fulfill certain needs the other has. Needs like the inability to sleep at night, the desire for a good conversation that churns out enough laughter to get through the day, a voice just a voice or a hand to hold. They will not depend on each other. It is not pride that holds them back. It is unnecessary. Anybody else could come along and fulfill these needs. If he comes to her, it is of his own will. She will not ask for him or plead with him. She will not remember him. It will be the same for him. They will survive without each other but it has not come to that yet. They will always be together.


QM-pest said...

Hey. I know i'm not very good at understanding feelings, but I just wanna let you know that even if the world decides to turn on you, I will always be there to listen to your woes.Gah. This is so cheesified!I cant believe I just typed that! Delete this please, after you finish reading.But I hope you get what I mean.And you know that I dont lie about such stuff.XD

weiqi said...

how's life?

drink plenty of water and sleep more!!
i know how it feels like.. i also have a terrible sore throat.. take some strepsils!

take care :)

Sylvia said...

you can abuse me if you feel good about it.
write to me !
but don't kill me cos i still want to be there with you.
don't deny yourself the right to cry.
it makes me sad to see you smile and laugh at school but actually inside you're bursting. :(

asstwirl said...

faithh dont be sad - dont think about those who have walked away from you; think of those who are walking towards you!

Faith said...

haha. thank YOU! i know. i know. i was ranting. i'm over it now. :P


SirWhale said...

I think you should just sleep at 10pm every day.

Faith said...

HAHa... yes i think so too.