Sunday, August 27, 2006

It has been an interesting week. I would say that the most drama of this year of my life has manifested itself within this week alone. It is not every day that you are slapped, over and over, blow by blow, one after the other, so you fall and scramble to get back on your feet just to fall back down again. It is not every day that the friend you trust and cherish, betray you, on the very day that she promises never to do so. It is not every day that another friend decides to swallow back her words and render herself speechless just when the moment for explainations becomes so desperately needed. It is not every day that your father loses his job and throws his lamentations around for you to catch and pacify and reassure. It is not every day that you start worrying, worrying sick, about money, your friends, your family, your studies... Oh wait, it truly is every day for us huh. It is not every day that you forget why you are crying, why you are crying every day of the week, only that there are far too many emotions bottled up inside, demanding to be unleashed.

I still harbour a lot of bitterness and resentment within; a sharp needle prick of anger which threatens to overtake my almost frazzled sensibilities and erupt into a catastrophe of thoughtless deeds. But more than that, I am engulfed by a sense of exhaustion. I am tired of all these bullshit. Tired of you, of all of you, of myself, of words which don't mean a thing, of words within words within words within words, of suspicions, of hopes, and of actions which do not coincide with them all. Tired of lies, of reasons and logic and praying for more patience and blames being strewn all over the hearts of everyone else. What is the point in all this? There is no point. It is all a blardy waste of time. Sure, I have learnt a lot from this. I know who my friends are now. The Real ones. But nothing will ever be the same again. Nothing. I am still finding it hard to forgive the people who have hurt me, and who have hurt those that I care about, even though I want to forgive so badly. We are all struggling to fight each other in a brutal battle, but at the end of the day, we are merged together by the blood we bleed- the irony. Its a lose-lose situation, and we walk away feeling more lousy than ever, hating and venting and ranting about each other as if it could change anything.

Friendships are a funny thing, people being as predictably unpredictable as they are. Every relationship feels like a terrible gamble; a risk where your life is at stake. How much can you trust this person? How much can you tell this person? How much do you actually know this person, or rather, what you think you know about this person? I used to say that friendships did not require an equal footing on both sides, in the sense that one person could give and another could simply receive without feeling the necessity of contributing back to the former. I do think that its still possible. But this is where I will draw the line between what is the definition of a friend, and what is the defintion of a good friend. I think it is really very important to uphold the same value system, to believe in the same moral values and even have similar areas of interests or disinterests. And in the area where differences lie, both will have to compromise and accept each other and learn from each other.

If there is only one party who does act in a conciliatory manner and who does compromise, it wouldn't even be called a "compromise" at all but rather, toleration which will come to an end anyway because there is a limit to it. After all, as social beasts, we generally base our relationships with others on a system of checks and balances. That means that if I give you something, I expect to be given something back in return as well. "Now what about sacrifices?" you might ask. Well, who is to say that sacrifices are wholly altruistic? Who is to say that there are no feelings of pride and self-satisfaction involved, which can be considered as rewards as well? Who is to say that there are no intentions of alterior motives being temporarily withheld? Of course I won't deny that altruistic sacrifices are made all the time, but on the whole, I feel that most people just don't work that way.

But I guess you learn to take the leap, no matter what, because if you don't you will be forever wondering, "What if?" And you hope that as you are falling, with a broken wing, and the other functioning wing flapping in a crazy frenzy, that you will be joined by another just like yourself, and with his or her wing, begin to soar together as one.

I still believe in you. But this is going to take some time to heal.

No comments: