Without our school uniforms, equipped with our finally released results which we are still grappling to come to terms with (regardless of the nature of the grades itself), it seems as though everyone is struggling with the same problem of self-identification. Nice to know I'm not alone in asking relatively stupid questions like "What clothes do I wear? What do I want to wear? Where do I go from here? Overseas? Local uni? What course? What job? What future?" Argh, argh, arghhh. Ohhhh wait a second... Do I hear voices telling me that they're not stupid questions? Yesss I'm pretty sure these voices aren't coming from my head... Hehe. Like I said, nice to know I'm not alone. :P
Clothes. Shoes. Bags. Accessories. Hair. Make-up. It never ends. The self-conscious could die from such vicious attacks. Goodness, never thought I would have to put so much thought into something like this when I'm not even fashion obsessed to begin with. In fact, truth be told, I used to condemn all these as rather bimbotic and shallow. But really, I started wondering to myself, what kind of person wears what kind of clothes, what kind of person wears a certain kind of colour and what kind of person do I want to present myself as? You realize, no matter how minimal an approach you want to take in dressing yourself, no matter how much you believe that beauty comes from within, that people do judge you by what you wear, especially, most definitely, if you are a girl. The hip kind. The sloppy kind. The feminine kind. Lots of names given to lots of different clothing styles, screaming out a vast variety of attributes. You're very neat. You're nonchalant. You're stylish. You're so vain. You're a slut. And really, I think it just boils back down to, "Who are you???" Pretty things cost money. Pretty things also make a statement about you, and that's what makes them so very pretty.
Had dinner with Sylvia yesterday, and goodness, she looked really gorgeous in a black dress and high heels. GORGEOUS. Couldn't help but marvel at her splendid transformation, but she kept insisting that she "felt the same". How can you feel the same when you look great?! You should be feeling great!!! Haha. You don't really notice changes until it takes a dramatic physical turn. And then you're left standing speechless, suddenly curious, fearful even, that you missed out on so much more, that you've been left behind while the rest of the world moved on. The downside to living in your own little bubble world.
There are things you have to do for yourself. Getting out there, dressing up, taking chances, making mistakes, talking to strangers, getting a job, making friends, managing your emotions- what's proper, what's not, when to express, what to express, shaping your personality, moulding your own (yes the F word again) Future. You need Confidence. A whole truckload of it. Or maybe just enough to walk into a trendy shop and look around, even when it feels like you don't belong. Who told you you didn't belong? Where then, do you belong? What are you intimidated by? Questions, questions, half of which you answer with a stammering, "I don't know..." And as if that's not enough, you have to deal with people too. People from all walks of life. People who put you down. People who always think that they're so damn smart and so damn right. Competition, comparison. What's new? And then there's the question of Productivity. Constructiveness. Responsibility. Independence. Ambition. Big words for a big blooming adult. Hur hurr.
So maybe like me, you find yourself thinking in horror, "I don't wanna grow up!!!" Peter Pan, take me with you! Haha. Somehow, it feels that the world is so big, people are so perfect, and I am so small. What do I have? What can I prove? What am I worth? Questions, questions... The eternal internal battle with yourself. The urge to run away is so, so, tempting. Delicious even. But I can't. Or rather, I will not. I refuse to. It's not me. I'm a fighter, not a victim of my circumstances. I want to be strong. I don't want to go down so easily, or at least, not without putting up a good and hard fight first. I don't want to be left behind. I want to Live. I want to Love. I want to Be. While I am still here on earth, I want to make my stay, however brief and fleeting it might be, worthwhile.
So we keep fighting. Fight your fears. Fight people. Fight yourself. With unbeatable conviction and passion that is waayy more effective than physical violence. And we hold on. Hold on to your hopes. Hold on to those you love. Hold on to what keeps you real, to what makes you, you. Hold on, hold on. Even when its hard, so, so hard. Because, as Max Ehrmann wrote, "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."
And when Sylvia sent me a message saying, "Sometimes when I see you I feel so touched I want to cry", I remembered.
Yes, it is still a beautiful world. :)
(By the way, I was so touched by that statement that I wanted to cry too!!! >_<)