Strange how he talks as if all he has to do is decide, whether he 'wants' me or not.
The truth is, I will never love you. Not in that way. No.
I just don't want to be the one to say it.
My life has been revolving around school, work, family, and close dear friends (like the idiot, the fiance, the emo kid, the pen pal, the safarians, and those in lurveee dying for my oh so wise and experienced words). I love nicknames! They tell so much about the affection, the strength, the casual, informal, intimate connection, between friends. I wipe the dust off each relationship but they seem to deteriorate faster than I believe it possible. I don't know how close we really are, or how distant. I don't know if it matters, if it's time to move on. But I do care about you. I do.
I'm fine. Doing the juggling act again, like those days back in JC. Maybe I'm just the sort of person who likes to keep myself busy, although after awhile, you wonder why you're living such a meaningless life, just going through the haste of motions and routines. Like Steven, the tram driver at work once told me, "SSDD. Same shit, different days." Haha. Maybe it's just a form of escapism from the heart of darkness (Joseph Conrad!!!). Sometimes it's easier to confront the realities and issues of the world, than to confront yourself and that whole internalized baggage that has no end to it. It's interesting. I think that over the years, I've learned to stop resisting and fighting who I am, and accepting it instead. Yes, I might have flaws. Yes, I might be weak. There are many more things I have to learn; many more things I have to be. But I'm fine. I'm working on it. I'll get better. I'm fine.
I like this- being tested, being challenged, being stretched and pushed and prodded, while all my fears and insecurities loom above me, threatening to tip me into the brink of an abyss. Am I good enough? Can I handle the pressure? What do I really want out of this, out of life, out of people, out of myself? I know a lot more about myself now than I did last year, and it's a kind of knowledge that equips me with a sense of greater awareness and consciousness of my capabilities and limits.
What I'm worried about is the toll of exhaustion creeping over. I never do get enough sleep. And sometimes I don't juggle so well and time is spent on all the wrong people and places. But when everything strikes a perfect balance, even for just a minute, life soars beyond me, and possibilities are everywhere. All I have to do is close my eyes and I'll reach it in a blink.
I remember when I was in Alice Springs, on one of the day trips, the tour guide said, totally out of the blue, "The trick, guys, is to keep smiling. Then you'll never be sad."
Someone, a woman in the front of the bus, asked, "What if you don't want to smile?"
That got me thinking about the differences in mentality, perspective, personality and even culture. The laid-back, easy-going australian tour guide, and the realistic, pessimistic, middle-aged american woman. No one was right or wrong. It was just a matter of choice.
I'll be the one that keeps smiling.
You decide for yourself. :p