Sometimes I think I'll never get out of this shit. I'm a big, big, mess, all over the place and yet never truly anywhere long enough, deep enough, to leave a mark. I am not afraid of life or death. I am afraid of having wasted both away, stuck in a half-way place where everything moves flaccidly, wilted flowers surrounded by grey walls, ceiling and floor. Because this is what I am- the girl who is neither here nor there. Someone is always brighter, prettier, taller, a better version of me that keeps it together and doesn't self-destruct. Someone who shows that there is no need, no place for a person like me. And yet somehow, despite this clumsy blind aimless dance, I seem to have landed in a tiny little patch of fresh green grass.
Strange how every time I'm on the verge of giving up, someone carefully fills me up and stitches up the holes, props me back up like a limp doll with black round buttons for eyes and says tenderly, "Come on. Go on." And then it struck me, how I am no longer the one at stake. If I was, I would end everything now. I don't feel the weight of my feet touching the ground, or that there is something unmistakable I can offer to this world. I am easily hurt, easily discouraged, easily suicidal. Contradictory. Emotional. Unpredictable. Cranky. I believe in the uncertainty of things, the only constancy being that people leave. People always leave. Even if they don't want to.
But that is trivial and unimportant. It is the people who love me, who watch over me, who take care of me, who feel every bruise, every self-inflicted wound on my wasted flesh as their own, who have thrown themselves away to believe in me. I don't know how long they can hold on. I didn't do anything to deserve even a morsel of this. And yet, here it is. I can actually feel it, hold it in my hands like warm beating hearts, watch it pump with such absoluteness. It tells me that I have to be responsible for my actions. It tells me that I have to keep trying, no matter how tired I am, or how crazy and tough life gets. It tells me that I am not alone. It tells me that there is a reason to live.
So thank YOU, for loving me. (:
There was once I had this huge crush on a guy, and I kept thinking to myself, "He's going to find someone better than me." This, despite the fact that we went out on an almost daily basis and he did practically everything he could possibly do to show that he liked me too. And then he left because I wasn't ready. Next time, when I learn to love and forgive myself more, I will throw a high heel at a guy (yaa shut up I'll have perfectly gorgeous high heels I can actually walk in I don't care) and say, "You idiot! You don't know what you're losing!" Erm. Or something like that lar. Haha.
One more paper to go! Here's to my best friend, my lover (and my numerous lovers), chocolates, alcohol, New York, and hanging out with the people I ADORE.