Monday, November 24, 2008

I have been feeling a little strange. It just occurred to me that I have an exam this Friday, and I had no idea. I haven't started studying, but I guess I will. Yes I think I will ignore the world and actually start mugging like everyone else for a change.

We do what we need to do, so we can do what we want to do.

I have been living in my own bubble these days. I am the dutiful daughter, the comforting sister, the quiet student, and the entertaining friend who laughs too much. At the end of the night, when the performance is over, I wipe my make-up off, switch the lights off and sit down and sigh and sigh and sigh, so that all the air goes out of my chest, my lungs, my body and I deflate like a balloon and stare blankly at the wall.

Today, while on the bus, I had a little conversation with God in my head.

"God," I said, "Who am I?"

"You are mine."

"God," I said, "I don't know what I'm living for."

"My child," he said, "You live for me."

"Why? I do nothing. I am nothing. I'm a waste of space; a terrible shame."

"Well... I could do a little something with nothing."

I think he winked at me. I'm not too sure. But his tone was unmistakable. It was warm, gentle, light-hearted, reassuring and a tat cheeky- I like that about Him, how He has such a sense of humour.

I laughed to myself and covered my mouth and everybody stared at me.

Sometimes it hurts so much to love You. I want to die but somehow, I believe. I still believe. I want to die but my heart beats for You. My heart bleeds petals, little little falling petals. My heart bleeds a field of dark red roses and oh how they bloom! How they bloom. And I give thanks for the pain.

When the booze is gone, when the music stops, let me share your loneliness and heartache. Let me carry it together with you. Let me carry your load. Use me. Fill me. I won't ask for anything. I won't expect anything. Let me love. Let me be the one to give.

I am the vessel with scars and bruises. Each day I learn to love the chipped areas, the dents, and the flaws. I am the vessel which cracks and breaks and becomes whole again, like the phoenix- It throws itself into the flames and rises from its ashes, rises from the dead, and is born anew again.