I have been playing mind games with myself these past few months, always asking the same questions and then furtively, furiously, pushing them away. I guess, I will never tell him, that the feeling was mutual. It’s just that, I was afraid, that things would change, that I wouldn’t live up to the image he had carved of me- no matter what I did or said, each etch of detail became more romantic than the last, all complete phantasmagoria.
More than anything, I just wanted a love that was light, and sweet, and simple, and free. Easy one the soul. Comfortable. Uplifting.
I guess, I will never tell him that he broke my heart, or maybe, I broke his', maybe he was proud and wanted to be the first to walk away, to be the one to say he had the upper-hand, the power to end it all, and I wonder what went wrong, we had it so good, and sometimes I wonder why the hell it takes so long to heal, and sometimes, like tonight, I wonder why it took me so long to get over it, silly silly silly.
We break. We build ourselves up just to break again. Maybe if we do it enough times, we get lucky, and the cracks expose a sliver of unadulterated bliss.
While on cold beer, german beers I think, I can’t remember, and Cosmopolitans and Pina Coladas and Godfathers and other snazzy shazzy cocktails- she declares with teasing displeasure that we are all damn weak and none of us are so getting drunk tonight; they all taste like bloody fruit juice and tasteless water- we can pretend.
While soaking in the deafening bubblegum songs and the screams of rapture and the peals of endless laughter and the childish antics and ugly faces and audacious jokes, “I don’t like porn... I like animal porn, dead animal porn”, and then the night, just the unsullied air, the cooling breeze of the dark black night, as the leaves on the trees hum and the wet grass tickles our ankles and we feel the warmth of each other’s bodies, we can pretend.
Pretend that love doesn’t hurt and friends will always stick together, and the clock has stopped at our highest tip of wild ecstasy and we are perfect and we are invincible and this moment will last forever.