Monday, December 22, 2008

Sometimes the simplest things can move me to tears and make me happy. Like looking intently at a photo of the sunset from the screen of someone's digital camera. Putting my finger over the glowing golden ball. Leaving my fingerprints all over it. Smudges, traces of me. Pretending that I can feel the radiant light fall on my face; that I can feel the warmth. Light me up. Lift me up. Embrace me. Pretending that I am far, far away from 'people', from moving mouths and sharp teeth and bleeding ears. No one can touch me. No one can hurt me. I can leave. I can live.

Sometimes the simplest things can move me to tears and make me feel so incredibly sad. Today I watched the sun go down, and I thought of how beautiful it was. How beautiful it was because it was dying. I love the colours. They feel so rich and intense and alive with emotions, as if they know you, intimately, under your skin, deep inside your heart, and know that sometimes words... fail. And so they burned as brightly as they could. Shine on me. Die on me. Teasing vision. Nothing lasts forever. So take it in, take all of it in, even if it hurts. And when it hurts so much that it feels damn fucking good, allow it to shake you and release you from it's tender grip. Know that it will never pass you by again. Know this and leave. Know this and live.

Every day is a struggle against myself. I yearn for self-destruction. I crave irresponsibility and insignificance. I want to walk away, from duties and necessities and obligations and responsibilities. I want to break. I want to sink into depression. I want to switch off my phone and not have to answer to anybody; not have to give a shit. I want to run away. I want to die. I want it, and I want it so bad, like a self-piteous selfish bastard. I don't. I wait for sleep to come get me. It has to come and get me because I'm very bad with directions and I never know the way to lala land. When it comes and gets me it slaps me in the face because I deserve it and it hits me hard and I collapse gratefully. And when I wake up, I wonder why I even have to wake up, why I can't just slip into the mesmerizing darkness and vanish, and then I look at how lovely the sky is, how truly serene and peaceful and calming it is, and I start breathing and living. I am always taken aback by how amazing the sky is. I keep forgetting it. And then I am thrilled that I keep forgetting it so that it takes me by surprise, over and over again. And then I am thankful that I didn't fall into pieces.

Because it is so easy to lose control. It is not easy to maintain your sense of composure and keep it in. It is easy to keep it in. It is not easy to have the courage to let it out. It is easy to let it out. It is not easy to have the wisdom to know what to hide and what to show. It is easy to think too much. It is not easy to stop thinking. It is easy to stop thinking. It is not easy to control your thoughts and think, just the right amount. It is so easy to lose control.

I think of how loved I am. I think of how blessed I am. I have so much. I have so much that I don't deserve. Sometimes it kills me. Do you understand this? But I want to prove that I am worthy of it. I really do. And I say to myself, "I can make it."

Yes, I think I can make it. I believe.

(I wonder how you spend your nights. I want to know how you feel. I want to know if you fight battles too, if you numb yourself with flashing television commercials, if you talk to yourself, if you cry in a quiet secret way and hold yourself. I want to know if someone kisses you before you sleep, if the last word you read lingers on in your dream. Tonight, my last word is, "going".)


Anonymous said...

eh dun emo leiii.... emo already still want to hide.. zzz

Dorisa said...

You can make it :) I believe. You believe. We believe.

Misshapes said...

merry christmas babe!