Thursday, January 22, 2009

Hello. How are you? How has the new year been treating you? I've been alright and I hope you have been alright too. And even if you are not, I believe that you will be alright soon.

In trying to start afresh (always, to start afresh, as if we were ever on the 'right' footing anyway), I have been making certain promises to myself:

Faith will not daydream while waiting for the bus to arrive.

Faith will not stare at the bus while the bus leaves without her.

Faith will not be late for school because she missed the bus.

Faith will not hate herself because she is late for school.

Faith will not contemplate skipping school altogether.

Faith will not screw it and fuck care.

Faith will actively make a conscious effort to step out of her bubble and keep in touch with this dimension of reality that all her amazing people are living in.

Faith will realize that there is more to life than pleasing people and giving every piece of herself away and then feeling shit tired and then feeling resentful and then feeling horribly guilty because she is resentful and then wanting to shoot herself and be left dead.

I don't know why we bother making promises to ourselves when more often than not, we don't keep them up. It is as though the very act of making a commitment is good enough, and even if it fails (because we let it fail) we can lie to ourselves and say that we tried.

I'm a frigging wanderrrful mess. I live in a tiny little breakable bubble where everybody is good and kind and nobody should hurt anybody. Tra la la, la la la. Merry Christmas! Time is irrelevant. I am always late. Dates are irrelevant. I never seem to remember anything. I don't remember to eat. Concrete numbers and street addresses and basic directions and work necessities seem to bounce off the shiny surface of my warm cocoon. Everything slips and falls, falls and slips away.

I hate myself for all the things I forget, and all the things I miss out on because I forget, and all the things I could have accomplished but don't because I forget. Such a need to forget. To wipe everything out and be blank. To not bother. To run away. To not let anything touch you. To pretend that, like my good friend the escapist likes to say, "We don't need anything or anyone." But we do. Darling, we do. And because we do, we need to do more. We need to be present, not just physically but mentally. We need to participate.

I watched this lousy ass film with Dorisa, but the last few lines were really quite fantastic. It said something like, we cannot change the world on our own. It is hard. But we can change ourselves. And in changing ourselves, we can change the world.

Today, I learned that there is a difference between being aware of your flaws, your mistakes, and your past, and doing something about it.

I'm going to try and do that. And I have made an easier promise to myself this year:

Faith will love herself more and take better care of herself so that she doesn't break the hearts of those who love her; so that she can take better care of others. (Or something like that. A bit long-winded huh... I'm trying!)

And I hope that you will love yourself too (the way I love you). I hope that you will love yourself, as you are. Just as you are. And know that you are enough.


xiaocangshu said...

There's another New Year coming up to start again! ;)

Anonymous said...

haha the year hasn't been treating me very well romantically. haha yar u better take care of yourself better!