(i tell myself that its just a state of mind. snap out of it. stop feeling sad. wake the hell up. but, i can't. there's so much, i don't know, chemicals or hormones or something inside me that makes me feel sad and feel happy and feel sad and feel happy and feel like crying, laughing, dying, flying, dying, and i can't control it at all. this is my body! it belongs to me damn it! why the fuck am i made to feel like a complete stranger to my own self?? why am i made to struggle and fight against my own self, over and over?

i'm losing. i want out. i want a new body.

dear god, please help me to make sense of this. otherwise i am just killing myself, day in, day out, cutting myself up into bloody pieces in order to regain some form of control and authority over my own flesh, my own heart, in order to feel something that i have deliberately created with knowing intent instead of something that i never even asked for, calculated to slowly taunt me and tease me and burn me alive.)