Thursday, October 22, 2009

Life is like watching a comedy show on your laptop and then having to constantly pause it because the phone rings every ten minutes. The trick is to still be able to laugh- at both the jokes frozen on your screen and the ones happening in real time.

It is so hard to stay and stick together when there are always other people to account to, other people to please and appease, other people, other obligations, other deadlines. Sometimes I don't know if the love comes out of desperate frustration and loneliness or if the love comes because it simply, comes. I wanted to reach the end of its light-headed euphoria and giddying bliss so that I could figure it out more logically, but then I realized that it will never come to an end. I'm always hungry. My heart grows bigger, even if it grows harder. I yearn, I crave.

Stillness is perhaps only a motion between one action and another.

Putting foreign objects- (arranged distractions)- within the aching hollows between the bones and flesh- (no blood left)- just for the sake of filling them up.

I need to do whatever it takes to keep me alive
so that I can do what is killing me alive
so that I can do what I am truly living for.

There is no uplifting awakening of the mind and soul, no bursting momentous sense of self-actualization and fulfilment and happiness. Only sudden sparks from struck matches that appear and disappear as we are groping in the dark.

Watch the wind carry the flame from one of the surviving matches. Watch it travel from your fingertips right into your eyes and let it engulf you entirely in blistering light. Watch the fire burn blue and orange and pure white until slowly, it dies out because darling, darling, it must.

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