Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I had the strangest dream! Not going to get into detail, but, for some time I was naturally (man I hope it's natural) afraid of my boy's ex-girlfriends, ex-infatuations, ex-crushes and ex-flings. The fear didn't even coincide with any form of jealousy or paranoia, even though it certainly brought out all my insecurities. I don't know what I was afraid of. It got to the point where I was hiding behind pillars just to avoid seeing some other girl. This, I think, is where it sucks to be younger by half a decade. He had a considerable head-start in the love games and mind games, even if it doesn't necessarily mean that he got very far. Also, lesser time for me to literally clock up ex-es of all kinds equals me seeming over and hyper-sensitive and unreasonable and him, mature, experienced and jaded.

Today however, I woke up thankful, that there were girls he could love (or learn just how to love), and girls to love him (the way he deserves to be loved), before we met each other. As greatly romantic as it is to be The First- the first to kiss someone, first to hold someone's hand, first to hold someone's heart- I have to admit rather reluctantly, that it is somewhat idealistic. Not everyone is lucky enough to fall and marry and stick with their first love. And to be fair to him, he didn't know that I would be entering into his life, and neither did I. In the meanwhile, all we could do was play Trial and Error, Generate and Test, Guess and Check. Honestly and quite scarily, we could still be doing it now and not know. That said, past relationships make us who we are today, for better or for worse. And it is who we are today, that is being loved and cherished.

I said to him, "You're the sort of person who'll wait for the girl no matter what, even if the girl doesn't love you anymore. Because you've watched too many Japanese dramas and romances and it's just... internalized lar."

"Nonsense!" he exclaimed dismissively, "If that was true I wouldn't have moved on. I'll still be in love with one girl, no, I'll still be in love with all of them!"

"Ey, actually, that's true in some way. As in, when I look back, I think that every person I've met, no matter what the nature of our relationship was, has made me who I am. I mean, I think I'm the sum of all the people I've ever met."

"You're the subtraction."

"No, I'm the sum."

"You're the subtraction."

"Why? Because I only take what I like from them and make it mine?"

"Because you're changing every day."

Ah, yes, I'm changing every day, for better or for worse.

I am thankful that we met at the right time in our lives and at the right place.

I am thankful for the time that we have now.

I ask, to ask for nothing more. To be always grateful and content.

(10 more days to our 1 year anniversary! See, I do remember.)

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