i'm terrified of the silences in which i suddenly recall a voice, a face, an etch of a memory that still holds the power to stab me wide wide awake. i am not afraid of being alone, i am just afraid of being alone during those haunting instances. so i fill my ears with bursting music and my eyes with visual spectaculars and i surround myself with people i love and people i loathe- they can say what they want about me, the hell they try so hard to build with their mouths opening and closing and smoking all the shit they stir up can never match up to the self-constructed hell inside- so desperate, so desperate, to never be caught alone grabbed by a hand that holds me by the collar and puts another hand around my eyes and forces me to see what i do not want to remember.