Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I want to experience extreme sadness and something even worse than that. I want to go through hell and something more burning and unspeakably dreadful than that. I want the most awful and horrid things in life to make me feel lousy and depressed. Because after that, all the pain that I'm going through now would become insignificantly puny and just plain worthless.

This works not only for the philosophy that those who experiences crises and hardship turn successfully entrepreneurial, but also for the philosophy that a greater amount of pain than what one is going through currently or the greatest of all pain would naturally override every other sentiment beating in your body and would wash them all away with overwhelming magnitude of distinction, thus bringing you away from your problems to face one and only one sole gigantic problem. Depending on how you see it, I sometimes perfer this and find this to be a freak form of striking relief. Do you get it?

My friend hates NYJC because she says her secondary school was a lot better. Another friend said the JC she went to during the first 3 months was a lot better as well, making NYJC more dull and boring and monotonous than it actually is. I find that NJYC rocks. Why? I think it's because my secondary school is shit. So is my primary school. I won't feel a thing if they were to burn the buildings down, or perish some of the teachers along with them in the fire. Even if NYJC is only 1% better than my old schools, it is better, and thus quickly becomes elevated to the status of a haven for me.

I don't want to be happy anymore. I mean I do, but I don't. I don't know how to explain. I don't want to have any peaks in my life. I want a life that is as straight and uneventful as the line of a metal ruler. I was, very happy. Maybe I still am. I have no idea. Hah. Weird huh. Everything feels like a dream. "What is real is just a dream". Check out Somewhere In Between by Lifehouse. The thing is, all the times that I was lonely and unhappy in the past, I could handle, and I handled very well. Now I can't handle them very well anymore because I know what it means to have companionship and friendship. I know what it means to smile and really truly mean it. When my friend told me, "He makes me lonelier than I already am", I didn't understand. I do now. I know what you mean.

Do you realize that it cuts you more deeply when a person who was warm towards you in the beginning turns cold and frigid (all factors like the degree of warmth expressed, with or without explaination, suddenly or gradually, doesn't make a difference at all to the final ending of such a change) as compared to meeting a cold person who snubs at you for the first time? My friend was telling me some of her friendship problems, and I realized that.

When you know how loving a person could be, his or her indifference and lack of friendly response becomes terribly hard to take and very very afflictive emotionally. You ask yourself why is he or she acting this way, and it kills you and you crash your mind just thinking about it. Whereas if you were to meet a cold person for the first time, someone who is immediately rude and sarcastic and unreasonable to you, you could easily, without blinking, without even breathing, dismiss the person as "dao" and "siao". Do you know the power you have then, when you are warm? The most manipulative of people start out this way.

Delicate lyrics
Sung by Damien Rice

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
I might take you home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

yeah totally agree with you.. life's hard.. but NYJC ROCKSS!!! OF COURSE!!!

-nothing's really making any sense at all- Talk- Coldplay


jaded-

Anonymous said...

Here is a conversation I had with a classmate yesterday (31/8):

She: Are you going to visit your secondary school?
Me: No.
She: Why?
Me: Why not?

Like you, I didn't - and still don't - feel anything for my primary and secondary schools. I don't hate them though. I simply feel nothing for them. I've come to understand that hatred is not the polar opposite of love - indifference is. To take revenge on someone you really shouldn't hate him/her - you should just erase him/her totally from your memories. That is what I'm doing. That is what I think I've done. I don't like to leave things behind, and I don't like things to leave their trails behind in my life. But I know I can't achieve that because there are always certain things and certain people and certain memories which I cannot bear to let go. The only people from my secondary school (excluding current NYJCians) whom I'm still keeping in contact with are my two best friends and my Secondary 3/4 Higher Chinese teacher. They are the ones whom I really feel are worthy of my appreciation. I don't mind having their trails left behind. Ultimately you only appreciate people who appreciate you, isn't it? Never mind if it is just a fallacy.

I love NYJC because it is here that I meet people who are genuinely sincere. It is here that I feel appreciated. It is here that I actually feel... Fulfilled (oh gosh I haven't used this word for a long, long time already). The camaraderie I experience with my classmates now is so much better than what I had experienced throughout the four years spent in Cedar. I can't say for sure if the class spirit will continue to remain throughout the rest of my JC life, but even if it were to disappear I'd still much prefer life here than life back in Cedar. It is difficult not to attach any emotion to NYJC, although that is really what I want to do because I know that one day I'm going to have to leave it and I don't want my heart to feel sad all over again simply because my life NYJC has to come to an end. Perhaps I'm not as unfeeling as I think I am after all. Ha :)

Well Faith, I guess it is good to feel. Yes it is good to feel :) I'm always envious of you because you're able to feel so much...

"Because after that, all the pain that I'm going through now would become insignificantly puny and just plain worthless." For me, that is when you come to feel nothing. For a period of time I was really feeling nothing for almost everything and everyone around me. It takes time to regain faith (lousy pun I know).

When my friend told me, "He makes me lonelier than I already am..." Anyway, wow, I really didn't expect you to still remember what I said :) Anyway Faithy, I know we aren't exactly confidants but if there is anything you want to talk about you can always look for me [that is if you don't mind :)].

Sorry that I wrote so much crap about myself on your Blog. Remember to smile more since now you know what it means to smile :) Don't let manipulative people get you down -hug-

Anonymous said...

Anyway emotions are transient. “因空见色,由色生情,传情入色,自色悟空。”Everything is evolved from Nothingess. Just live everyday to its fullest and feel every strand of emotion to its best; never mind if the current state of things will remain eternal - they won't. By saying that I acknowledge the fact that my classmates and I may not necessarily still continue stay in touch after we've graduated, but who cares if happiness is short-lived or not as long as you truly feel happy right here, right now? Who cares if happiness - when gone - would then be replaced by sadness (because you are sad that happiness eventually has to come to an end despite already being aware of the fact that feelings are ephemeral)? Unless you manage to advocate living by the maxim 'Que sera, sera' so well that you can remain undisturbed when something suddenly disappears from your life... I have no idea what I'm trying to say. Have you any?

Anyway, it is good to feel too. Sometimes it hurts, but it is also beautiful.

Anonymous said...

[P/S: While I am realistic enough to acknowledge that it is almost impossible for anything to remain eternal, I am also ironically idealistic enough to pray for eternality when it comes to relationships with people whom I really cherish. I'm a schizophrenic. Anyway sorry for posting so much crap on your Blog, take care and speedy recovery! :)]

Anonymous said...

"all the times that I was lonely and unhappy in the past, I could handle, and I handled very well."

u sure u did? if u did, how did u know tt u r lonely & unhappy? u wld have thought this as insignificant, if not, these terms wouldn't even come up in ur mind. do u think circle feels lonely? i don't think so... they're too self obsessed to be even bothered. that's why they don't bother to find out what is wrong with themselves, even after u advise them, they repeat the same old mistakes time & again. are they then lonely? no, they aren't.

"Now I can't handle them very well anymore because I know what it means to have companionship and friendship."

so u would rather b denied of companionship and friendship & live in a situation where u know of nthing but sufferin, sufferin & more sufferin? i once tot tt to deny urself of everything enjoyable is the best way to live one's live. cus u would never know what is sweet when u r surrounded by bitterness, u wldn't compare, cus u didn't know... now i know, humans live for friendship & companionship. it is these things that keep them alive, tt give them e will & reason 2 live. if u had been constantly surrounded by bitterness, life itself is insignificant 2 u, u wldn't b able 2 face challenges or failures which in life u r bound 2 b confronted with. u wld feel tt u can't face all this shit anymore & juz end ur life promptly since no one would miss u & u will miss no one. nthing holds u back... a life lived w.o a reason is as e same as a life wasted. i guess tt's why suiciders are considered sinners by christians....

"those who experiences crises and hardship turn successfully entrepreneurial"

yes, they become successful after this experience but did they suffer this alone or with ppl who are always behind them?

"I don't want to be happy anymore. I mean I do, but I don't. I don't know how to explain. I don't want to have any peaks in my life. I want a life that is as straight and uneventful as the line of a metal ruler."

if there's nthing that i've learnt frm my crisis in secondary school. i learnt this simple fact abt life tt kept me goin on even till today. is tt friendship & kinship is e push factor tt gets u thru life's ups & downs. if kinship can't be depended upon, there is one thing tt u can always trust & tt is ur friends. i rmb what QT said recently, "friends r family members u choose for urself, u have no reason to distrust or hate them unlike ur family members"
they willingly bear ur pain, share ur burden & go through this experience together with u. they r ur other pairs of eyes 2 life. they let u see what ur tears has blinded u from.
if u go thru a crsis alone, u may or may not gain something from it. but if u go thru a crsis with e support of ppl close to u, u will definitely learn much more, & shld such a thing happen 2 u again, it wouldn't be a problem 2 u cus u would have, together with ur frens, learnt what is needed of u to know.
friends let u know why u are living & most importantly they let u know who u are.
if u ask me to give u a thousand reasons what am i doing this for and what drives me to do this. i can only say the reason which comes to my mind is tt u r my friend, nthin more, nthin less.
jc life is tough, & alot of things has happened recently in my life as well that is out to bring me down. i have on countless times felt lonely, but everytime this feelin overwhelmes me, i would always b comforted by this simple voice tt goes in my mind, faith is there, she promised to b there, & then suddenly, all these things don't seem so bad afterall. if u wanna thank me for the times i have been there for u, i wanna let u know tt ur promise means a whole lot more to me as well & it is this tt has kept my spirits up when i've lost contact with my sec sch friends. thanks for everything, faith.
don't torment urself ok?
u know i'll always be there, just like u promised me, i give u my promise as well. deal?
~ur friend

Anonymous said...

here's a trick question. maybe i asked u b4.. other people can answer too..

is feeling sad, happy?

for example, when in love..

-jaded

Anonymous said...

Wow. The 5th note. I know who wrote it! So touching :')

Anyway she is right. Cherish the people around you while they're still here. Never mind if their stay in your life is permanent. Enjoy it while it lasts...

mometasone said...

heh this just came to mind so I'll just put it down:
NY, got sO many ppl stoning...HOW NOT TO ROCK!?!?!
lolol ok I'm being lame...will scoot off now.
get it? get it?
...oh my I've invented a new form of lame...
-will

estelwen said...

hey who the 5th note? tell me leh! i'm jealous damnit..
so rou ma...
hahaha..
take care babe, love is not everything, life is.
:)
ur fiancee

qt said...

william, u LAME lah.. hey faith ah... love never fails. and u have e love of ur friends.