I have broken down. My mind has broken down. My body has broken down. I have a terrible sore throat, cough, and flu. The excellent thing about this is that now everybody proclaims that I have an extremely sexy voice. The bad thing about this is that they try to get me to speak more even though it hurts me like hell just so that they can hear my supposedly sexy voice. Very funny. Very cute. I love my class.
It is at times like this that I finally realize how I am not in control of my life. It scares me. I mean, I am seemingly in control, that's what it appears to be, I make decisions of all sorts daily, but in actual fact I am not. I am not in charge. You could try to take control of your life, you could try dilligently and desperately, but some day, when an accident happens, or you fall ill, or you fall down because of unforseen circumstances and you or someone close to you is taken away, you realize that your life does not and could never belong to you. Who does it belong to then? I don't know. I suppose it differs for every one of us. I would say God. I would say the saddest of fates. It just so happens. That's life. Move on. Move on?
So why do I live, if my life does not belong to me? Why do I even try, if I was born to die eventually? Because before that happens, I want to be happy. Before whatever comes, I want to feel and do and achieve as much as I possibly can. Not asking you to go and smoke and take drugs and whatever since oh oh oh we're all gonna die man oh man damnit. Haha. It's more like... What if... all it takes for you to be happy, is a change of perspective? What if it is that simple, but we complicated matters? Oh easier said than done I know, I am there right now. I am trying, and it hurts. Oh no, I sound so idealistic again.
Sometimes I can feel very lonely or very tired, but I won't say a thing. Sometimes I just want to run away, and I won't tell you a thing. Sometimes, secretly, I want someone to find me. I want someone to ask me if I am okay, because I am unable to tell them I am not. I am unable to because I do not know how to. I do not know and it interests me how some can just enter the day laughing and complaining to their friends, "So stress! Yesterday blah blah blah and then blah blah... Wah lao..." How does their troubles tumble out of their lips so effortlessly? Whereas for someone like me, it is all about locks and forgotten keys. I also have this theory that what I feel is nothing. If I were to say out what I feel, I would only worsen matters and I would only make the people around me feel guilty or confused or worried or concerned, which I do not want. I do not want them to waste their time feeling concerned about me, because what I feel is nothing or would be nothing soon. Life would be so much easier if I were to just shut up. I'm not so selfish this way... or am I so selfish this way? Hah. Someone, please, teach me how to speak the way it should be. I don't know how.
Someone has been managing to find me these days though, no matter where I go, and I'm really greatful to her. She says she can read my mind. That must be why I'm so comfortable with her, because she does not force me out of my comfort zone to put to words how I'm feeling. She just knows. She just knows what to do. It's hard to find someone like that in your life. I wish she was a guy. Aha. I don't know how she does it, with PW crap and everything else, to manage to waste her brain cells caring for me. It was really cute to see her get all superstitious and tell me that I can't drink milo because it's "hot".
"But I'm buying cold milo what."
"NO! MILO IS HOT!"
"Huh?" I raised my eyebrows, "No. The milo I'm buying got ice."
She laughed at my foolishness, "No! Some food got hot and cold wan!"
She sighed with exasperation and racked her brains to come up with a simpler way of explaining things to a seven-year-old retard, "Heaty! You know," she moved her hands wildly in the air, "Heaty??!!!!"
"Orhhhhhhhhhhhhh....." I said, as if I just witnessed a mind-blowing miracle.
Thank you so much.
I found someone who makes for great conversation. Sian Boon. You rock. We should talk more :P
You know something, maybe I should just turn lesbian. ;D
I can't tell the difference between having a crush, liking someone, loving someone and feeling nothing at all anymore.
Maybe it's that simple huh.