Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I'm back.
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Didn't sleep a wink for 48 hours, following which I plunged myself right into the LTC camp like a skinny log into the burning fire.
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I couldn't get along with the girls in my camp. Would you be able to if one of their usual conversations went something like:
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"Oh no!!! If I put sunblock I cannot get a tan, but if I don't put sunblock I will get sunburned!! How???!!!!! Should I put or not???"
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Right. What a really tough nerve-wracking mind-boggling decision to make.
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"This is SO uncool. This is SOOOOOO uncool lor. I don't want to be seasick!"
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Yes. Please keep sulking. I'm sure it'll help to make things better.
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Girl A: "Let's wear ftp shorts for kayaking tomorrow! Wear short short then can tan our thighs, if not there white white very ugly wan."
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Girl B: "Huh??? Then we wear ftp shorts to sleep arh? Cannot lar. Very cold..."
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Later in the night, Girl B in ftp shorts muses and asks her girlfriends, "Should I wear trackpants not? It feels so wrong to be dressed in so little."

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Puh lease. Make up your mind. You don't have to follow the crowd. So if everybody says, "Let's go naked and kayak tomorrow so we will have a nice tan", will you go naked???
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These are your leaders, NYJCians. They gossip, talk about eye candies, are so very very vain, admit without shame that they ARE bimbos, and try to display leadership qualities with girly shrieks and cheers of, "Come on! You can do it!"
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You played a part in choosing them. Well done, NYJCians.
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I was complaining to Qi Yang about this and he said something that struck me really hard. He said, "But I thought all girls are supposed to act like this?"
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I stared at him with huge eyes, totally dumbfounded.
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He looked at my expression and added, "Oh, but you're not most girls right."
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Hmmmmmmm...
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It's true you know. A normal girl acts like that. Or at least a good 80% of all girls act like that. So when all along I thought these girls were weird, they probably thought that I was the one who was weird. Sheeesh. So I have myself to blame for not being normal. I wonder if this is a good or bad thing, although presently I'm trying to make it seem like it's a good thing since it shows how truly special and unique I really am. Er hem. Right. But hey look, by writing all these stuff down, I really am acting like a normal girl because I'm "bitching" about other girls. Hah. Please hate me.
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Well anyway, to be fair, some of the girls were okay. No. They were great. They were fabulous. Seriously. Just that they weren't my type I suppose, and I wasn't their type as well. Different mentalities. I guess that's life huh.
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I thought I didn't make any friends but I received a really nice sms from someone who never even spoke to me or looked in my direction during the camp. What's even more suprising is that he lives very near me! Nice guy. Life takes you by surprise sometimes.
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I did get some fun out of the camp. I met a guy called Wei Qi, who was my disastrous kayaking partner. This guy saved my life so we're supposed to be the best of friends now. But he's on my hate list as well. Ha ha. For the countless afternoon showers he gave me. He sings Coldplay and national day songs terribly. He's a self-proclaimed egotist who's very trusting, funny, talkative, and he's blessed with the gift of gab aka he know how to sweet talk. I can see us being good friends for a really long time (maybe because he knows how to sweet talk). Okay Wei Qi, this sounds like your testimonial now. But anyway, be brave! I'm behind you all the way.
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I've been feeling very much alone these days. It's just like the lines from this song, Home, by Michael Buble, "...and I'm surrounded by, a million people I, still feel all alone... And I feel just like I'm living, someone else's life..." I have many many great friends in school who are with me throughout the day, but it's not enough. Their physical presence isn't enough to fill this obstinate and completely preposterous loneliness. Strangely, other than the companionship of a few selected individuals (you know who you are) who wields the ability to bewitch me to make me feel warm and happy again, I would rather be by myself.
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I also realized that there is a deep inherent self-contradiction in me. I'm rambling here (as always) so try to be with me. I don't think I deserve to be loved. At all. By any guy. I find myself a really horrible person. My soul is beyond all words repulsive. So when a guy confesses that he likes me and that he has been nursing a crush on me, I feel this sense of thankfulness and appreciation. Two guys actually told me that this month. Pretty interesting. Why me? I could point out a thousand other girls more beautiful than me. Is it something to boast about? What does this show about me? That I'm weak and soft so they think they stand a chance with me? That I'm an object of desire for the very very desperate and blind guys? That I think too lowly of myself? My reply was exactly the same to them, "Wow. Thank you. That's really sweet of you." There's this secret sarcastic thought of, "Wow. I never knew I was so popular." After that I turn them away and avoid them like anything.
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Now why would I do that? I should be so grateful that I weep openly and embrace their love for me. But the thing is... I dont know how to explain this... They don't want me the way I want them to. But is there another way to want me anyway? Zhi Yang once told me that I was "attractive in a happiness kind of way". I always wondered what that meant. I think I do now. The guys who like me, like me because they think that I can make them happy. They think I'm perfect because they don't really know me at all. They think I can bring them fun and love and affection. They think of what I can do for them, of what I would contribute and add to their lives once they have me. They only think for themselves. Who doesn't? I am just plain entertainment for them to use and occupy themselves with to fulfill some psychological need, and they must be so darn bored because I'm the worst and ugliest girl to find.
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Sometimes I have this urge to tell them, "Look at me. Take a good hard look at me. And then let all your misconceptions and highly fanciful and colourful ideas about me shatter. And then know how very very very mistaken you are about me. If you know who I really am, you wouldn't like me at all."
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I'm so very very sorry. I am.
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I'm tired of mind games. Think I've said this many times before but it's not working. I'm sick to death of subtle messages and double-meaning words. Get to the point or get out of my life.
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Anyway, I just butchered my hair. My fiance, you should love me so much more now. Yes, the coconut is back. Very cute and very much alive :D
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Recently acquired a semi-stalker. Long story. Hard to explain. Alex, you know I hate you. I'm not kidding. :P Am I?

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Oh no!!! If I put sunblock I cannot get a tan, but if I don't put sunblock I will get sunburned!! How???!!!!! Should I put or not???"

You're trying to get tan on your nose?

-Strider-

Faith said...

idiot. haha.

vkxm (: said...

hello! happy national day! -waves flag. hahhs. have a good holiday girl, see you on thurs (:

Anonymous said...

ur fiance here!
harlow guys she's mine so go away!! unless u can get thru me... forget abt trying to chio my faith ok!
GET THIS MSG ACROSS!
and i think girls who act bitchy shld go and drink the water in the kelong... see by that thime they still can act bitchy or not..

Anonymous said...

"other than the companionship of a few selected individuals (you know who you are) who wields the ability to bewitch me to make me feel warm and happy again, I would rather be by myself."

who arh who arh?
haha... i very bhb hor....
srry feel like crapping so much todae.....
so sad i can't be with u in the camp... or else i would have stuck with u 24hrs non stop....hmmm... yar...i might follow u to the....er.....toilet as well
did i tell u i got swollen lower lips this morning?!
then u're the coconut and i'm the sausage lip fiance
it's very good for kissing... got cushion HAHAHA

Anonymous said...

whos anonymous?! gary right!!

jaded

Anonymous said...

hey dont discriminate against bimbos! theyre good comedians hehehe.

anyway faithy u arent ugly n u arent lousy, u're very talented actually - u write well n u draw well :) one day u'll meet someone who truly appreciates u for who u are.. n um ur fiance has something wrong up there.. :p

- miao

Anonymous said...

hey,i can understand ur reactions towards those few girls in ur grp. geesh. they are a headache right!anw, ya act change da perception i have of ya intially. hee.=)i tot ya are a lil weak and mild and quiet gal. but hey ya aint! =)

Ah neh aka joanne=)

Anonymous said...

whoa...you stereotyped, bashed and somewhat redeemed your gender all in one post heh. anyway I don't really agree with the "most girls" comment. I think gender stereotypes for both sexes are overrated. and anyway, I know a lot of girls who simply do not fit into that generic "bitchy"(or whatever) mould so yeah.
and I guess it's easier said than done but you (or anyone else) simply can't judge yourself to be good/bad/pure/corrupt or anything else. humans really can't judge anything resolutely can they? that'd be up to God. i guess then the thing we should strive for is t know that we aren't entirely "pure" and to constantly (if that's possible) work towards that end, and not dwell on our darker sides unless we seek to learn from our mistakes.
-will

Anonymous said...

gender discrimination is stupid but is also good cus we dun need to go ns... lalala
~estel

Shiroi-chan said...

... if those were normal girls, am i weird? ^^; hahaaa you mean they really confessed to you!! XD
sometimes loneliness can be really attractive. (:

eeeeek. everytime i read your entries, i feel like a very bad friend. >.<