Sunday, July 31, 2005

I find myself drawn to people who dare to make a fool out of themselves. In fact, take a cursory glance at my best of friends, and you will find that they are people who are totally wild, crazy, humourous, full of praises and yet paradoxically, terribly honest and a little bit mentally unstable. Haha. I wonder why?

Perhaps it's the very fact that all the layers of tactful superficiality that exists between I and them are instantaneously ripped apart and banished to the far distance of eternity simply because they are so wonderfully at ease with themselves, with who they really are, and they actually dare to do the most stupid things ever (like changing clothes in the library amidst public scrutinity, resulting in the exposure of fluffy white breasts... er hem...) without caring at all what those around them think.

There's a certain amount of inexplicable courage in them that I know I don't and might never possess. A certain amount of ready trust that they throw to you without blinking or thinking. A certain amount of foolishness that makes the hard world seem overly judgmental to these dreamy and fun-filled people. You might call them attention-seeking or just plain ridiculous. I find them strangely enviable. Without words, they tell you not to judge or criticise or laugh at them, but to accept them... and I do, and I hope you do.

Let's just take a look at the normal human being, like myself. When I meet a stranger, I automatically and instinctively assume a distant, cordial and diplomatic conduct. Why? What am I afraid of? I guess I'm afraid that I won't get accepted for who I am. I do not have any faith (yes yes I see the ironic pun) whatsoever in my character. I would rather hide inside a totally safe and dull me. What's wrong with that? Nothing I suppose. Nobody gets hurt this way. Nobody loses. Give a bland smile. Tell a bland lie. Tell bland sentences, bland stories. Nothing is wrong with that. You won't remember much about that person, and that person, when recalling you, will just think you "nice". What's wrong with that? Nobody wins.

Why can't I take the plunge and open myself up immediately the very moment I open my lips? What am I scared of? Everything, it seems. To tell the sad truth, I need to wait for that person I am speaking to to open up first. Why? To protect myself I think. Even though logically speaking, how much can that person hurt me? Not much? My predictable and careful reactions are instilled in me through long years of unintentional practice. I can't seem to get rid of them try as I may. Sometimes I don't think I even want to get rid of them, and to my best friends who can and who dare to, I generously applaud them for it.

I find that I have to wait for that person to start acting silly first. To show me that he or she is indeed, truly and fully, a human being made of flesh and blood. To show me that he or she is very very much like me- vulnerable and imperfect. It's quite sick really. It's like saying, "Cut yourself and bleed first. When I see you dying, I will know that you're of no harm to me and then I'll cut myself too and then we can die together as best friends... Hip hip hooray." Which reminds me of what William said in his blog, "Shut up and speak".

We should all do that really, don't you think?

Oh, and you really should listen to Fix You by Coldplay. It's an extremely reassuring song that gets you through the cruel solitude of the night. Was sent to me by Alex aka Strider who also has pretty great music taste (since I delete only half the songs he send me wahaha).

Fix You lyrics

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just watch and learn

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


mometasone said...

hm...yet another interesting post and comment on the human condition...or :p

Anonymous said...

quote faith:

like changing clothes in the library amidst public scrutinity, resulting in the exposure of fluffy white breasts... er hem..

Alex aka Strider who also has pretty great music taste (since I delete only half the songs he send me wahaha).

hey faith how cum this line sounds famailiar?
is this dedicated to me? i very bhb rite? hahahaha
i dun change amidst public scrunity! i'm just embracing feminism with grace! OK?! oh my god i better remain anonymous

estelwen said...

on the other hand... talking abt ppl who make a absolute fool out of themselves, and taking a glance at ur best friend, isit referring to me too?! isit isit isit?!!!
this is the most provocative essay u have written!!! haha
i think i'm talking crap
hmm... i think ppl dare to make a fool out of themselves or u can say myself for various of reason, it's like life where there is nvr a single simple answer for every question u ask.
1. it can be because it's simply in my genes, i feek comfortable opening myself to ppl around me. let them think, let them criticise. it is me! accept me or go away.
2. i do it to hide what i truly feel inside. i wanna give ppl the false impression that i'm really happy, that i'm a person w/o worries or cares when in fact in my private life i am the total opposite...
3. it can be also that i think these ppl are cool
haix... am i making any sense...? i haven wrote anything philosophical for a while.... need to exercise my brains...hehehe...
tada... cya.. take care

Anonymous said...

Hey you should get Coldplay's album. They rock :) Greatest band in Britian, no contest. One of the most soul-stirring musicians around too.

LOL. I don't mind making a fool out of myself in front of my friends, really. Remember how I disturbed you and Si Min in the canteen the other time by singing 'Ai Ni'? :p (Btw in case you're wondering I can be even more disgusting than that :p ) It was only because I was comfortable enough with the both of you. But of course I'm not that courageous to change in library lah. Maybe only when there are very, very few people and no males around.

- Miao

Faith said...

hahaha... who else could i have been talking about si min? oops did i just mention your name? oh. oops. mwahahahaha. hmmm...... i like point number 2 you wrote, "i do it to hide what i truly feel inside." i never thought of that, but ay i think i've seen your other side that you supposedly hide? it's just as over the top what. -_-"

estelwen said...

lol... how do u see the other side of me when i dun even noe how many sides i have? lol..!
and yes thank u for revealing the identity mysterious asshole who changed in the library... speaking of tarninshing reputations, i see u are damaging my reputation more... hmpft... :P
i think human nature has more than one sides... as a result, we have schizophernics (pardon my spelling) running around chopping ppl.... those are the extreme cases but hey... that's the wonder of human nature... (get my sarcasm? hur hur hur)
there's always more to it then it meets the eye... of which when i try to figure out what are the rest, i tire myself out...
i think i'm a reincarnation of a owl-pig
... one that sleeps in the day and pigs around at midnight..
btw i like ur blog cus i can leave comments... i wonder how i can do tt to my blog as well...
rants rants...
think i was a male pig cus i hate the rules bounded to females like cannot go crazy must act cute must sit properly...
btw... dropped in simply to flirt... any takers? lolx

Anonymous said...

Hey I adore your new layout :) Really cool!

- Miao

vkxm (: said...

hey heyy! i love "fix you" too (: (: great song <3

moo said...

ohh..i'm like that too!