Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I am not going to sleep tonight. I have a million things to do. I have not started revising. I am stressed. Tonight, there will be no time to breathe. And since there is no time to breathe, I might as well breathe as much as I can now. Hah. Make a bigggggg dive later! :D Just got home from dinner, and I'm still stuck in my school uniform, or something that looks vaguely like it since I've managed to do wonders to it to make it more comfortable and loose (no I'm not naked what's wrong with you ha ha).

I woke up at 8 am this morning. I never wake up this early. There was something special about this morning. I was waiting for History lecture to begin at 11 in the afternoon. It was quiet. Quiet day. Quiet morning. Beautiful music. Blue skies. Perfect weather. Perfect mood. There was peace, there was isolation, and there was me. I decided to head down to Serangoon Gardens to quietly eat breakfast at Mcdonalds by myself. I wanted to spend the time in sweet solitude, just daydreaming, listening to music on my mp3 player and just thinking.

But... ... Guess who I met online? Guess who happened to be heading in the same direction? None other than Wei Qi. So my quiet and serene morning was destroyed by the loud and bubbly Mr Crazy who ate breakfast with me and later went to school with me. Thank you! You are a great friend! Thank you for your company. Really. I felt like you were my radio. You just babble on about your new radio and tennis and very important people and I smile happily and fall silent and am all ears. You rock. :D

Hmmm... I am being harassed by two guys to go on little dates with them, you know, smses like, "Wanna have lunch later, just you and me?" What does that mean??? I don't even know you well! Were we even close? Or have all the girls you know just died suddenly? Don't you have friends, best friends, you would want to spend time with? But these are all good, fantastic distractions. It's easier to mend nuisance messages than mend a confused heart. Just politely decline. These also make me feel good about myself. This sounds sick I know, but it's nice to know that there are people out there who do like me, and who do care for me- this extremely plain and simple looking girl who seems like just anybody else. It's nice to know that there are people out there who want to spend time with me so I don't have to be alone. It makes me feel wanted. I don't know what I mean by that. I wouldn't say I base my self-esteem or life on things like these, but it does help in some way or another. So I'm shallow. Oh dear, do I have to apologize to you? Heh.

Alex, I am really really really sorry that I didn't study with you, or eat lunch with you, or eat dinner with you today. You have no idea how guilty I am! >.< I am. Guilty. Very. All your fault. I promise you I'll make my godly presence available to you someday soon. Very soon. When you and I are both free. And I promise you I'll play pool with you soon. I suck at it, and you know you're really good at it, so your ego will be totally boosted and you will sit for the A levels with so much confidence that you will either fail everything because you're too blinded or get a distinction for everything. You'll always be my girl. Wahahaha. You know you're a girl. Don't lie. My girl... Talking bout my girl... I've got so much honey... The bees are everywhere...

Speaking of which, I love crazy people like Alex and Miao and KC- Mr Kenneth Chong who calls me at 11 pm just to ask me how to put the words on your blog in the center of the page instead of the extreme right. Yes, I am writing this down so that people can laugh at you. Haha. Nah, just kidding. I thought it was really cute. Hello, you've been blogging for how many years and you don't even know how to move the whole chunk of words left right and center? Heh. Because he enjoys frequently calling at inauspicious timings, life is so much more colourful. Yes, please keep calling me. I'm going crazy because you're crazy. And getting more and more guilty, since I am always missing your calls. This is actually working. Yes yes must tell them I love them, especially KC if not he'll say "What about me?" again right. Hmmmmmmppphhhhhhh. Haha.

I should be fine most of the time. In fact, I am fine I dare say three quarters of the time. I am usually happy and content because what makes me happy are the simple silly things and the beautiful heart-warming faces of Si Min and QT. You guys make my day! Even if the feeling is ever so transient, for that very fleeting moment, I am truly truly happy, and I really don't care because that's all that matters to me. I'll keep striving for those little nuggets, those tiny temporary moments of joy. I'll keep moving on... It's just that sometimes you let your guard down and it slips in. I don't even know what it is, but I hate it and I'm always on the defence against it. If you think you can read my thoughts, it's because I let my guard down and everything can be read on my face. Well, other than a tight group of best friends, I am going to be letting my guard up more than ever now. I don't want to get hurt. Go away if you want to hurt me or if you think there might even be a 0.01% possibility of it happening. This sounds stupid, but I am stupid, and it's just too bad. Too bad for whom? I don't know. I don't care if that's the best or wrong thing to do. I'm tired.

Today someone told me that he's not even sure if he likes her. He said when he was with her, he felt normal and he thought that was weird because he was supposed to be feeling very happy. This sounded so much like what someone else once told me. I am convinced more than ever that love does not exist. It is an illusion. Everything they tell you on TV is a lie. Do you really already know that? There is no magic or whatever sparks you think there should be when you are with the person you like. So wake up. Ar I am such a wet blanket. Sometimes I think there is... a feeling. Sometimes I actually think I once felt it. But it's only sometimes. I don't trust what I feel, and I feel so much, too much. But he said when he's by himself, he's thinking about her so much he's so sure he likes her. He just wants a chance to give it a try. I think he deserves a try. He's a really really great guy. Oh wells... ...

Here's something interesting. Si Min laughingly asked me to pay for her taxi fare because I'm rich, or so she swiftly assumes from my nike shoes and I don't know what else. Later on she asks me to make my own cup noodles because she doesn't know how to cook cup noodles- the result of having her wonderful mother cook for her all the time. So who is the one that is truly rich? You mean to say you would be happier with all that money? If I had it, I would give it to you my dear darling. Go rob my father or something. Define your personal sense of the word "rich", and see if you know what you really want. Yes, my idealistic self is talking again. And I know you're just joking, but it got me thinking that's all.

Ok ok shut up Faith just shut up. I always feel as though I am revealing too much. But then again, I believe I hide more than you will ever get the chance to know. Wow. Yar yar I'm trying to act mysterious. I just realized that my style of writing here has changed dramatically. I type really quickly, as if all I want to do is put my thoughts to form, and I don't even look back to check on what I've written to see if there's any spelling mistakes or too much I shouldn't say or too much I don't want let known. I think I'm being too honest. I'm sorry. And I just told you that I'm going to let my guard up. Hah.


Anonymous said...

oooooouuuu!! mysterious woman!!

hahahaa.. thx for the praise!
nope your not revealing that much.. its still fun to read your blog! insightful thoughts!


Anonymous said...

HELLO FAITH I'VE NEVEER CALLED U AT 11PM BEFORE TO ASK U ABOUT HTML OK?!?! >:| i dont even have a blog lah!! i keep a handwritten diary instead. anyway im thinking of setting up one soon hmmm.

oh btw i have a WHOLE list of People Whom I Can Call After 3a.m. can i add u to it?? :p hehehehe. u wont have any more nightmares after listening to my heavenly voice. n oh i might end up calling u every night cuz i'm always very lonesome (think elvis presley's "are u lonesome tonight?") n i need company n faith u make very good company so good that i could be lesbians with u one day :))

- Miao

Faith said...

wahahaha.... sure, you can call me anytime, but i must tell you in advance that i don't pick up my phone 3/4 of the time. -.- oooooh lol about turning lesbians, you must seek the permission of my hot and sexy fiance first! ;)

estelwen said...

err... u think i would allow it my dear fiancee. hurhurhur... think again.... i'm posessive hurhur again. now if u wld excuse me, i would continue my conquest on women..erhum