I really really really need to get well soon. This is wasting my time. I spent the whole day sleeping today, from 4 pm- 10.30pm, and until now I still feel so very drowsy. I just realized that my medicine says, "May cause drowsiness." Yes yes I know you're going to say, "Who don't know." Erm... me. I think I've wasted at least one week just falling in and out of a self-induced coma because I fell sick. Probaby wasted my time on other things as well, but I'm irrational, so I'm going to put all the blame on something that I cannot handle since falling ill is out of my control... well, sort of, since you could take the necessary precautions but aiyah you know what I mean.

When I was in secondary school, I used to think that eating was a waste of time. I spent my hours daydreaming about creating this incredible magic pill that would give me all the vitamins and energy and whatever the hell there is in food that I needed. Why? So I won't have to eat. Eating wastes at least 20 minutes to two hours, I reasoned. I could do so much more with that time. Like what? But then, there's an irony right there you see, because daydreaming wastes time as well. Ha ha.

Speaking of which, I went for a medical checkup recently because the OCIP thing required it. The doctor told me that I needed to gain at least 7-8 kg before I was of decent weight. You have no idea how amused and indignant I was. I eat a lot, trust me, when I can that is. That's where the problem lies, but I shan't reveal too much. Plus, I was so overjoyed when I realized that I gained 3 kg recently. That took me a long time, from January up until now. Anyway, the point is, I am going to imitate the eating habits of a pig from now on. Please encourage me to eat until I am start making noises like "oink". I should be on the right track by then (yea right).

Eating and me are (were? I hope) enemies from the very beginning. I used to play this very sick game of eating when I felt happy, and denying myself food when I felt sad, or empty, or was not doing what I ought to do, or was not fulfilling expectations that I set out for myself. I would eat more if I felt angry because it distracts me from thinking, eat less or nothing at all if I felt tired and blue because I would just want to crawl into bed and sleep forever and pray that I won't wake up although I know I will of course wake up but what the hell. I say it's a game because you never know what you're going to feel next... or do you?

This game was especially active during my secondary five days, because by then my twin sister had already left school (she was in the express stream), and all I was left with were a bunch of manipulative self-indulgent friends. I could say I was manipulative and self-indulgent myself of course. It works both ways. You end up a solitary figure having to fend for yourself. I felt lost, and very lonely. There was no purpose in life except to do well in my studies, which seemed very bleak and impossible to me then, because I was constantly brainwashed with, "Although you come from normal, you..." What do you mean by "although"??? As if by being in the normal stream, you have a terrible label like a scarlet letter staining you. It is a terrible label I admit, under the Singapore context, but tell me, why should it be? Sorry, I digress. Anyway, eating, you see, is something you can control. The more I controlled it, the more I felt that I was very much in control of my life. I felt stronger, and more independent. Wrong? Does it matter? You know what, I could easily have been bulimic or anorexic, but I didn't and I'm not. What stopped me from reaching that thin frail line I think, was the subtle consciousness that this was a sick thing to do. Sick. Sick. Sick. Play this game too much and it could be the one playing you. Did I stop in time? Have I even stopped? Hmmm... I'm not really sure, but I am eating a lot, not regularly, but I am, I mean I do.

Wow... Ok ok ok I'm rattling too much, and I'm not sure if I even want you to know all these, and I don't really know what I'm writing about. The medicine is very effective. Whatever whatever. Ciao.

I declare my undying love to Si Min, my fiance!!!