The first thing I wanted to do was to hurt him back. With words preferably, since it's my strength. If I want to, I could make you bleed inside and lose all sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I know this because I have done it to myself over and over again. My words drip with poison or nectar, as and when I desire it to coat itself. I am my enemy, my punisher, my angel and my devil. But I didn't say a word to him. It was all swallowed down, the little alphabets swallowed down one by one and the blasting fire that came along with it as well.
I don't know what you do on impulse when your feathers are ruffled. Most people do what I do I should think- when people hurt me, I just want to hurt them back. I want to make them hurt as bad as the pain I'm feeling or even worse if possible. I want them to break down and disintegrate, to crawl on all fours and beg with wet red eyes for my forgiveness. I want to feel the magnitude of my power linger on their skins with pleasure as they writhe with agony before my very feet. I want them shamed. I want them weeping and gasping with despair. I want them cut into pieces after pieces and be unable to piece themselves into something whole ever again. Yes I know I'm a very vengeful and emotional person. I believe most of us are so in our imagination and what it can be capable of. But lately I see another reason for such behaviour and rationality (if it is even rationality) other than simply stupid anger which begets an appetite for revenge.
You see, we hurt others not just because we are angry with them, but because we love them. I know I know, it sounds disgusting already. No I am no psycho killer, but you know as well as I do that polar opposites sometimes serve to bring out the other and vice versa. This allows them to come alive even more intensely. When antagonized by the ones we love, there is a struggle between the co-existence of love and of anger- emotions which oppose each other. The contrast and conflict leaves us blowing hot and cold and messed up in our heads.
Do we hurt them out of anger alone? No. If we are talking about a stranger hurting another stranger, I would say "Yes". But I'm not referring to that. I'm not referring to just any stranger walking down the street, but to an individual who is special because he or she is greatly and deeply loved. I'm not referring to any ordinary pain which can be healed like the scratch marks caused by furnitures, but to pain which burns infinitely inside a person's soul. You need more than mere anger for that kind of pain. Anger comes in short fiery spits. It explodes without warning, paints everything black and red, and then leaves instantly. Anger alone, is not enough to accumulate that seething intention to inflict the most sadistic of cruelties. You need love as well, which is powerful and compelling enough to do anything it fancies.
I think we love them so much that we want them to feel the pain that we feel. We want them to, at least in the area where pain is concerned, be on par with us. In this way, we exist as one on the exact same level. In this way, we are identical. I am you, and you are me, in a mirror. Pain, becomes our connection with each other. It is a rope which bonds us as much as it tears us apart. It is beautiful, and it is tragic.