Friday, October 20, 2006

I CANNOT FIX YOU.

Please stop calling me. Please stop messaging me. Please stop telling me your problems. Stop it stop it stop it, you, you, you and you. I cannot do it. I just cannot carry the burdens of so many people at the same time. "Please pray for me" and "I need help" and "Give me your advice" and "Teach me" and "What should I do?" There are too many voices calling out my name and I feel as if everybody wants a piece of me and I am being pulled in every direction possible and dying alive. I need to breathe. I am so so so tired. I cannot take it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I am human. I am just like you. I have my own problems too. Yes, I am grateful and extremely honoured for your trust in me, for your belief that I am someone you can rely on. But I am not your solutions dispenser, your free counselling help-line, your rag doll which you can hit out on and scream at before gutting and spilling out the beans inside of her.

Do not message me and tell me that you need urgent help, that you need someone to listen to because you're going to break apart, and make me panick and worry all day long before saying, just before you go to sleep, that you're feeling tired and we can talk another day. I am not available to you 24/7. I am not at your disposal.

Do not call me and tell me about how much you like this girl and how much you enjoy touching her even though it makes you feel guilty and ask me what I should do over and over again when you already know the answer.

Do not call me and tell me about how much you hate your mother for nagging at you for not studying when I am trying to study.

Do not call me and throw me all your problems and expect me to analyse them and solve them for you one by one.

Do not message me just to bitch about someone because you want me to comfort you and assure you that you are right and I am on your side.


The truth is this:

I am nothing you think I am. In fact I am far from it.


I am not a social creature. I like to be alone for long stretches of time. Every single time I talk to someone, it takes all of me. After the end of every conversation, I feel mentally exhausted because I have put in so much time and effort to give the person my fullest attention. There are only a handful of people I am perfectly attuned to and am always wonderfully at ease with.

I love and cherish people a great deal more than I show. I worry about the smallest problems they face and I worry so much that I cannot eat or sleep or concentrate on my work. I worry so much about them that I swallow down my own personal problems because I do not want it to affect them. I worry so much about them that when I realize that they are making use of me, when I realize that they take me for granted, the resentment I feel towards them is turned into internalized anger.


If you want my help, play by my rules:

I WILL NOT HELP YOU IF YOU DO NOT EVEN TRY TO HELP YOURSELF. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO.

I WILL NOT HELP YOU IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT ME.


I WILL NOT HELP YOU IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT MY TIME.

I WILL NOT HELP YOU IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT MY LIFE.

11 comments:

Phoenix said...

u just cant stop being urself.
so stop wishing for that!
:)

Take a hug.:)

loulou said...

hey hey.. i'll do my best.. i wont use u to be my 'punch bag'.. i never had the intention to.. i understand how u feel as i gone through a little that myself.. *hugs* whenever u feel that u can't take them all just lift it up to Him =) your burdens would be so much lighter.. take care jia you!

simin said...

nice... XD take care babe

SirWhale said...

Fair monologue, but could be much better. The content is already there, you only need to feel more sad.

Faith said...

Kenneth Chong! Trying to be funny huh. Lol. There is no need for drama or any form of pretence. I was merely speaking the truth of how I felt, and not to milk anything out of people.

Miao said...

OK, in response to your comment a few entries back (I'm tired of having to scroll down every time I want to check out your reply so I shall post my reply on the comments page of your latest entry from now on whenever you update), I love Van Gogh too! Have you listened to the song 'Vincent' before? Very very beautiful. I prefer Don McLean's version to Josh Groban's (but I love Groban anyway). Anyway I managed to take quite a few pictures when I went for the art exhibition before the person-in-charge stopped me, heh heh. Will show them to you when I have the chance.

Ignore SirWhale. :P

Miao said...

Oh, and I love Christian Bale too. I've added him to my own list of Most Beautiful Men.

(P/S: Works by Picasso which were exhibited that day were very disappointing.)

simin said...

hahaz @ sirwhale
o.o

simin said...

faith! ur blog is worth $9,597.18!! OMGGGGGG!! *jealous* hahahaha. mine is like shit... bleahx o.o

Faith said...

simin:

how you know??

miao:

yes i would love to see your pictures! and haha.... vincent is one of my favourite songs! Picasso's works were probably just rough sketches and if he was still alive, he wouldn't have let them seen the light of day. haha.

estelwen said...

check out this link babe

it calculates e value of ur blog. MUAHAHA