Monday, March 26, 2007

Overheard my dad telling his sister, "Yes Faith used to be very arty. But now she wants to pursue teaching."

"Used to be"???

Sobs.

Faith. Faith. Faith. It seems that everybody has some kind of idea about who I am or what I love to do. Its also strange that the ideas are so different that they don't tally. I guess I really do adopt different personalities when I'm around different people. Maybe I even encourage their idealisations of me. Faith is quiet, mature, and sensible. Keeps to herself. Faith is a good listener. Faith gives good advice. Faith is cheem. Faith is a perfectionist. Faith is full of shit. Totally crazy. Laughs a lot. Childish. Gets high. Talkative. Impulsive. Flirtatious. Faith is emotional. Easily depressed. Melancholic. Lives in her own world. Faith likes art. Faith likes to write. (No disputes on the last two sentences.)

My character is governed by my need to please people, to help people, to be what is missing in their lives, to be who they need. I can be anything you want me to be, out of obligation, out of duty, out of love. My character is governed by my desire to make a difference in this world. To be better. To be stronger. To be more independent. My character is governed by the people around me. I won't be like you. I want to be like you. I'm sure there are thousands of scientific researches done on these kinda things, with factors like fluctuating moods, family background, personal history, etc. Still, I can't help but think, "I'm 19 going on 20 and I'm still stuck in some sort of identity crisis!" Haha.

Yet the only resolution I can think of is the fact that I am who I am. The past doesn't count. The future doesn't count. Right this moment, I am. Every action, word and thought defines that. I can change it, I can shape it, with every passing second. Like wet clay which doesn't dry in my hands. Maybe there is no absolute certainty to something as complex as the characteristics of a human being. You cannot say that someone is neat, or careful, or driven, with complete certainty that they will not alter. People change. Someone is usually neat, or careful, or driven, with emphasis on 'usually', or with emphasis on what you yourself usually observe about that person. People change. The only thing constant is change. And maybe its not so bad a thing.

Hello world. How are you? I find myself thinking a lot about those days in JC. I miss my clique! I miss my class. I miss the super crappy, corny and cheesy AEP people. I miss my lover. Hehe. Throw me a name and I'll throw you back an affectionate description which I've attached to every single person I know. It seems that time really does mellow down things. I can't remember the squabbles and clique fights and conflicts we had. I just remember all the crazy stuff that we did and how much fun we had.

I went back to school the other day and I bumped into Mr Chong! He's still as funny as ever, telling little jokes that aren't really thaat funny but you laugh anyway when you see how he crazily he laughs to himself. He said, "You strike me as the type of person who likes to do your own thing." I smiled. Strange. I never thought of myself in this way. I always thought I was the type of person who was trying hard not to get killed by my own laziness and self-hatred. Haha. The type of person who was always trying to be something, to achieve something, but who never did enough, was never good enough. Or maybe that's just my self-hatred talking huh. Strange also that when I was in JC, I never would have thought that I would one day sit down with this teacher and be able to talk leisurely about so many other things. I wondered why I was so worried, so constantly behind time, so over-ambitious to over-compensate for god knows what, so narrow-minded in JC.

If I were to go back to that period of time, I would tell myself not to worry so much. Don't worry so much. Things work themselves out. Somehow, they really do.

I know we are all selfish. We do things out of our own insecurities and jealousies. We drive ourselves crazy. But happiness is simple. And life shouldn't have to be this hard.

5 comments:

Lou said...

i second that =)

estelwen said...

lol are u worried abt wad others think of u? or wad u are in e eyes of others? dun worry, just eat viagra and u'll be fine!!!
*her majesty is randomness*

anyway, it bothers me alot too, or maybe just a little. in my eyes, u're always cute & sexy! u have to agree with me on tt one XD

mometasone said...

If you're a different person to different people then yes perhaps you're confused. Why should you be surprised then, that everyone seems to have an idea about who you are or what you love to do. But what if, just what if you happen to be all of those, all those people rolled into one and given a five-letter name and it's just a matter of time till you stop being confused and become more of a person than most people will ever be.

estelwen said...

great insight, nice name XD
woot woot woot

lionel said...

lol.. throw u a name? okay.. try my name.

anyway, WE have an idea of who you are base on our observations.. yup.. got problem abt that? ppl will gie judgements even if they aren't fit to.. hahaha..