Pre-takeoff Announcement on a China Southern Airlines Flight

This is a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from
Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang
Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to
welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao. Members
of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is
a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance
during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are
available to make you feel comfortable. Meanwhile, the airkwaft is
going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until
dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you would enjoy your fright
with us. Funk kill."