So recently, I have been the attack of malicious gossip and bitching. What's new. People can't stand how perfect I am and jealousy is just, oh, bound to occur. Hahaha. Kidding. You know, the last time I felt so hurt and upset, was in JC, when this scrawny stick insect with long scary black hair and a big head, and an even bigger ego, bitched to my good friend about me. And ironically, she was someone I respected as a unique and opinionated individual. I got the opinionated part right indeed. See, the funny thing is, even as I write this, you can see that I'm hurling insults at her. The thing that no one seems to realize, is that no one gives a shit what I think. Yep. Thank god. And I mean this in an absolutely candid manner. So I was thinking, if everybody just woke up, and maybe slapped themselves around a little, they would realize, that no one gives a shit what they think. And maybe, no one should. Because those who do care, get hurt by those words peppered with insinuation. I know I do. Is it worth it? Why don't people realize how much power they have, when they open their big fat mouths? Or maybe it is precisely because they realize how much power they have, that they feel the need to exercise it all the time. Or maybe, it is the only power they have, and it is the only thing they have left, to use and exploit. Or maybe, I should just stop speculating.
And what I don't understand is, why, this keeps on happening, day after day? And perhaps it's just me, but why the hell do girls bitch so much about other girls? Too fat. Too pretty. Too shallow and stupid. Too smart. Too arrogant. It never ends. And strangely, they have this way of making it seem like it's never their fault when they bitch. It's not their fault that they have such low tolerance levels. It's not their fault that they are so insecure and easily jealous. It's not their fault that they think that no one is, or should be, better than them. No, it's always the object of the bitch fest that should squarely shoulder all the blame. And you know, some people like to point out to me that, "Excuse me, there's a reason for bitching okay. If the person is so nice, no one would bitch about him or her at all." Oh really?
Was at the bus-stop at work the other day, trying to defend myself, trying to explain myself, for whatever reason, from rumours plucked out of the air and given self-consuming bodies. I said to my colleague indignantly, "I just think that if they want to bitch about me, then be brave enough to do it to my face. I can take criticism. I can! And I'm willing to change, to compromise, to see how to work things out."
I rambled on and on, and he stopped me midway and said, "No you can't. You can't take criticism."
"Yes I can."
"No. You can't. How can you when I can't? I can't take criticism, but, I can take constructive criticism."
Ah. A moment of lightbulb revelation hung over my head and I nodded.
I know that I do bitch and gossip about other people. I'm no angel. There is a sort of unity, a warped camaraderie, that comes along with it, which makes the whole practice strangely comforting and even, therapeutic. It tells you that you are not alone, with all those wicked destructive feelings. It lessens your guilt, and the blame you should hold. Interestingly, sometimes, those are the very same people who will stand up for you and be there for you, when the whole world comes crashing down. Did we bond and relate to each other over antagonistic thoughts, at the cost of someone else's misery? But I'm also very upfront about what I do say, not that it makes it any more justified, and I will tell you, if it comes to that. What I hate so much is people who deny it. If you bitch about someone, own up to it. That's the least you can do. Don't try and act all sweet and innocent. And don't lick the target's boots after you have spat a whole entire row of bullets at him or her.
So what am I really trying to say? And what can I do? What can I do about this? I don't quite know... Well, I'm trying to, on my part, not bitch, and to stay as far away from the terrifying female shark waters as I can. It is simply too massive and ancient to be stopped completely and permanently. It also helps to keep your sense of humour well and alive. Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. (Yea right.) I do believe that what goes around comes around. And it's really hard sometimes, when certain people get on your nerves, and you are tempted to run to your friend(s) and rant and rave about it. Everyone tells me that this is how the Working World is going to be like, and I better get used to it. But maybe, no, definitely, there is a better way to deal with how we feel, or rather, there is a better way to make sure what we feel doesn't produce damaging or harmful impacts. Why can't girls support girls? (Feminism!!!)
And maybe it doesn't matter. No one gives a shit what I think. And maybe, no one should.
The range of what we think and do
is limited by what we fail to notice.
And because we fail to notice
that we fail to notice
there is little we can do
until we notice
how failing to notice
shapes our thoughts and deeds.