Tired, hungry and voiceless after a night of working and talking like an adult, I sat alone at the bus stop and let my shoulders sag. I waited. I watched buses, shuttle buses, cars, taxis and motorcycles whiz pass with truckloads of people inside. The remaining crowd trickled slowly away like drops of the afternoon rain. First the lights at the bus stop went off, suddenly, and my body was plunged into darkness. Minutes later the surrounding lamps went out, one, by one, by one, until shadows hit the floor and painted it pitch black. I waited. I lied flat down on the wooden bench with my bag as a pillow, my water bottle on my belly, resting against my thighs. It was so quiet. I could hear the crickets buzzing away and the occasional cackle of a hiding lizard. I could hear the crash of my heartbeat beating and pumping in my ears. Looking up I could see parts of the roof and cracks of the sky and the stars, oh the stars, the lovely lovely stars. I want to burn as brightly and as brilliantly as a tiny little star. I want to burn so hard I burst into flames. I waited. I waited. I waited alone. He was late.
I will never run away from you. I will never abandon you. I will never reject you. I will never disappoint you. I will never put myself before you. Such delicate promises.
I want to rest in a place where someone will assure me of the weight of my soul in this thin feather-light shell of a body. Some dreadful days, I crawl out of bed with an awful groan. I sink into the long sloppy kisses of the shower and then drag myself out of it's warm cloud shivering with pink and wrinkled skin. And I look into the mirror and think wishfully, "If only I could put a plaster over my heart. I'll pat it down lightly and in a few days, it will heal and everything will be okay."
I want to walk barefoot in a field of fresh grass. I want to walk right into the arms of someone with scars on his palms and scars on the soles of his feet. He will tell me that he loves me, no matter what. No matter what. I will never thirst again. The weight will be lifted off my hunched back. By his grace, I am made whole, I am saved. Oh Lord. Such delicate promises. They are as weak as I am. And yet they are all I have to keep me going through another day.
Everyone is waiting to be saved. Everyone is waiting to be loved. Everyone seeks and nobody gives. One day, you will stand up on your own two feet and you will say, "I, will save you. I, will love you. No matter who you are, what you've done or what you believe in, no matter who I am, what I've done or what I believe in, no matter how human we are, we will hold nothing against each other. We will be in this together. Together."
Look how low I've sunk.
Don't ask me to rise,
I'll only lose you when I'm high.
- Rise by Azure Ray.