I was so tired I wanted to cry today. But this bit is tricky because when I was in JC, a good friend told me that crying was a form of weakness. When she burst into fat drops of tears months later, it was ironic and unsettling. Did she think she was weak? Was her need to banish crying just a form of self-deception to mask her insecurities? After that I quarrelled with another friend and stopped talking to him completely when he said, "Just go to some stupid corner and cry since you always like to cry so much." He thought it was funny. I thought it was offensive and hurting. Oh and when I was in Sec 5, I scored a wonderful zero for my maths test and my maths teacher took me to a dark empty classroom and told me that I was a failure who was not going to succeed in life. After that I cried, and I didn't have any tissue paper to wipe my face with, and she didn't offer me any, so we both just stood there, one crying foolishly and the other watching with satisfactory pleasure.
I don't know why having to or needing to express your emotions, to let them out, can become an act that others fill with shame and disgust. Does it make them feel better? Why are people so judgemental, so critical? If I cry in my sleep and the pillow is soaked, if I pee on myself, if I don't do well, why should I be made to feel ashamed? It's my business, my problem.
I think no one should be punished or insulted for crying or for anything at all. I think crying is a very natural thing we've done as a baby or a child. It's a simple truthful thing and the message is honest. Even when my kids at the childcare centre cried, I could always tell as to whether or not they were crocodile tears. It's a simple truthful thing. But I say this bit is tricky because every time I feel down, I can hear them taunting me and I'm caught in a struggle that makes everything even worse.
I laid my head on the table and closed my eyes. My mum sat beside me, reading the latest soccer news. After an hour, she put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. I looked up, squinting because of the glaring light, and caught her breaking into a very very kind and loving smile. It's a smile so rare it made me smile too. I could feel the warmth of her hand on my skin. Suddenly I felt, I knew, I just knew, that everything was going to be alright.
I'm so so tired. I don't know why I do what I do, don't know why I keep doing it over and over again, don't know why I put myself through things I chose consciously with clear eyes to carry on my back. I want to give up. I want to give in. But I also think we're all going to be ok. I know it's tough and everything feels like a big mess. But hang in there. Everything is going to be alright. Because Faith says so.