Don't you just love camera phones.
(I feel like there is a thorn in my flesh, a worm in my heart, a growing restless dissatisfaction. I wonder how, how they do it. What is the secret? How do they believe in this distant elusive goal? How do they follow the schedule, wake up on time, be healthy, be present, be on top of the game around the clock and on the ball day after day? I simply don't get it- why boys are cute, why money matters, why we have to eat. I'm slowly starting to lose interest in things, in school, in deadlines. I can't seem to remember why they matter any more. So what if I fail? So what if I fall? So what? So be it. I feel like I'm spending my whole life doing things out of necessity, because everybody is doing it, because it seems correct, because they want me to. I'm doing this, even though I don't see the point, just so that one fine day, I can finally, do this, do what I really want, whatever the hell it is. But I never seem to get there, wherever the hell that is. It's like a burning blinding star, out of my grasp, out of reach. And so at the end of the day, I find that I have spent twenty one years of my life, stuck, frozen in my body, chasing after something I can't even see. I don't know. I want something so much more. I want something deeper, something real. What is it? And how do you know for sure? How can you tell? How do you do it? I want to understand. I want it to make some sort of sense to me. I want to stop giving up, giving in. I want to stand up, fight back. Don't I deserve a stab, a shot at happiness? I want to write and not have to stop. I want to dream, jump, high, leap over clouds, and not have to wake up.)