Monday, October 20, 2008

Don't you just love camera phones.

(I feel like there is a thorn in my flesh, a worm in my heart, a growing restless dissatisfaction. I wonder how, how they do it. What is the secret? How do they believe in this distant elusive goal? How do they follow the schedule, wake up on time, be healthy, be present, be on top of the game around the clock and on the ball day after day? I simply don't get it- why boys are cute, why money matters, why we have to eat. I'm slowly starting to lose interest in things, in school, in deadlines. I can't seem to remember why they matter any more. So what if I fail? So what if I fall? So what? So be it. I feel like I'm spending my whole life doing things out of necessity, because everybody is doing it, because it seems correct, because they want me to. I'm doing this, even though I don't see the point, just so that one fine day, I can finally, do this, do what I really want, whatever the hell it is. But I never seem to get there, wherever the hell that is. It's like a burning blinding star, out of my grasp, out of reach. And so at the end of the day, I find that I have spent twenty one years of my life, stuck, frozen in my body, chasing after something I can't even see. I don't know. I want something so much more. I want something deeper, something real. What is it? And how do you know for sure? How can you tell? How do you do it? I want to understand. I want it to make some sort of sense to me. I want to stop giving up, giving in. I want to stand up, fight back. Don't I deserve a stab, a shot at happiness? I want to write and not have to stop. I want to dream, jump, high, leap over clouds, and not have to wake up.)

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmm so what if i fail?

good qn. that's what i tot durin my As. i tot it didn't matter. XD

i dun noe abt u, but to say i'm not affected to see ppl making progress in e rat race doesn't make me feel any happier. and working and following my supposedly passion doesn't make it feel any more real. i felt depressed, like something was missing. like i cldn't do anything cus i dun have a blardy degree. we've been so used to the concept of dreams being tied closely to a successful studies and degree i just can't shake it off.

even now i can't shake off the failure mentality in NIE, in fact alot of us in NIE do feel like second class citizens, be it results wise and stuff.

it's sad. but we're in a rat race. no matter how much we try to look for other alternatives. there's no more paddy fields for us to plant rice anymore. we can't go back... =(

ur love

Faith said...

I LOVE YOU.

Sylvia (killerface) said...

"I feel like I'm spending my whole life doing things out of necessity, because everybody is doing it, because it seems correct, because they want me to."

I AGREE. T_T And after some time everything just seems so silly because they don't really seem to mean anything. ):

You know this is a sign that you're reading too much Beckett. Or something. D:

Random: We're doing this novel called "The Book of Evidence" by John Banville and when Freddie was asked why he killed the girl, he said, "I killed her because I could." (Which the lecturer said something about the irrationality of human action, for which we have a court of justice blah blah blah and everything else just so we could assume that human actions are rational, that there is a cause and effect for everything, but in fact "I don't know" is the answer to a lot of things we do. Maybe that is also why we do things like that, why we struggle like that, why we are doing things like everyone else, because that appears the "rational" thing to do. Ya. I don't make sense I know. T_T I made it up along the way.

Anonymous said...

Rationality is an opinion, nothing more than what others think.

Anonymous said...

"How do they follow the schedule, wake up on time, be healthy, be present, be on top of the game around the clock and on the ball day after day?"

Because they dont know what else to do, and cannot imagine themselves living a life that's outside their court. Break their routine and you will have these people crying for their mummies.

"I feel like I'm spending my whole life doing things out of necessity, because everybody is doing it, because it seems correct, because they want me to."

My only question to this is, what's stopping you? No one says that you have to follow the system, and no one says you cant tweak the rules to suit your needs. And you have already mentioned earlier that you are not afraid to fail.

"I want something deeper, something real. What is it? And how do you know for sure? How can you tell? How do you do it? I want to understand. I want it to make some sort of sense to me."

Look BIGGER. Seek out opportunities. And get a boyfriend.(Just joking!)

-Annoying Anonymous

Faith said...

syl:

Hahaha, killerface!!! SO CUTE.

"I killed her because I could."

Wow. That is really very thought-provoking. I love how you know so much and how you share these things with me. It never ever fails to open up my blur eyes. You rawk lar. Start a killerface rock band!

anonymous:

Haha. Everything is an opinion these days, is it not? (Even this!)

Annoying Anonymous:

Thank you. :) You made me laugh!

What's stopping me? A lot of things really. Duty, obligations, people, pressure... It's hard to maintain a balance between living for yourself, and fulfilling the roles you have been given. I never know when to draw the line between over-indulgent passion, perhaps a kind of selfishness, for my dreams, and 'realism'- the one that reminds me I actually have a family, and have to feed them and support them one day. And I do tell myself to tweak the rules to suit my needs too, in fact I think that's just what I've been doing, but sometimes I just want to break out completely- no compromise, no pretence, no strings attached, nothing.