Monday, December 29, 2008

I know a lot more than they think
And with the radio on I try to go back to sleep.

When all the world's posers blow smoke in my face
I think of the love that I can make,
but I struggle so hard for each breath that I take.

I get so sick that I can hardly speak,
but with my head full of pills I try to go back to sleep.
When you're sad but you force up a grin anyway

it's hard not to feel fake,
but I struggle so hard for each breath that I take.

Maybe some day I'll be at the top,
and with my head in my hands I'll try to make it all stop (just stop).
Every time I find love I choke so hard that for weeks my body aches,
but I struggle so hard for each breath that I take.

And I struggle so hard for each breath that I take.
And I struggle so hard for each breath...

Be what you are,
be what you are.

When the world puts you down in its fear,
at least you can know you've got it straight.
We all struggle so hard for each breath that we take.
We all struggle so hard for each breath that we take.
And I struggle so hard for each breath that I take.

The Velvet Teen, Penning the Penultimate.


I'm past the teenage angsty stage of feeling that my pain is singular. Yes, it is overpowering, yes sometimes I feel so certain that no one can reach inside me and be close, be close enough to comfort me, but it is definitely not singular. You feel sad sometimes? Check. You feel lonely sometimes? Check. You feel depleted sometimes? Check. Something doesn't feel right and you don't know what it is? You don't want to talk? You want to run away? Check. Check. Check. After that you realize, holy fuck, the whole damn world is in pain. The only difference lies in how we deal with it.

Breathe, my love, breathe. Things get better. They do. How I wish I could show it to you. I have seen it, from time to time. Some days I wake up and I feel so fresh and so at ease. I wish I could explain this to you, with the right words. But words are not enough. It is as though... the world is alive and brimming and rich with colours. And we are flawed, and it is okay. Because we are wonderfully so. Because we are together. (You see how silly my words sound?) Some days I wake up and I think, we won't make it. I can't do this. I guess, you win some, and you lose some, and that's just the way it is.

You have to look inside you, and find the will, the strength, to change, to be better, to keep going. You have to do this for yourself. You have to do this for those who love you. You have to believe.

The best things in life are not free. Nothing is free. The best things in life are worth fighting for. Even if it makes you shit tired and scared and on the verge of giving up. Fight for love. Fight for your dreams. Fight for your own happiness. Be brave (be stupid) enough to keep on moving forward, keep on trying and trying and trying. Get up when someone puts you down, boxes you in, knocks you sideways. Get the hell up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Fight. I want you to fight. No one else can do it for you. The best things in life won't come to you on a twinkle twinkle little stars sparkling platter, and thank god for that. Because when you taste it, even for just a sliver of a second, you know that you worked hard for it, that you deserve it, and there is simply nothing like it at all. The joy, the joy. The sheer pleasure. Even for just a second. It is worth it.

2 comments:

d said...

"check." (teo, 2008)

Vanessa. said...

hello! even though this entry isn't for me it still speaks to me anyway lets meet up for random lunch date in school soon (: