Sunday, May 17, 2009

(Always feels so strange, to see the names of old... 'friends' popping up on Facebook. Haven't even spoken to them in years, and yet I know if they're happy or sad, if they're attached or single, where they went yesterday and what they are doing now. Hello. I miss you. I wish we were as close as we were before. Yet I know that this is something, nothing can be done about. I know, instinctively, not to click on their names, not to ask them, "How are you??", and not to tell them about what I remember about Us. Because everything that I miss, is gone and gone for good.

It can't be touched with a finger, can't be reached using a word or through a phone call. Its a pinhole of light somewhere amidst all those dusky hazy dreams. Figments and details float around and shadowy faces push past the clouds in my head, rubbing against them as they go by, shattering like porcelain. They slip through the hairline cracks and fall, fall, fall, and as they fall, I catch vague glimpses of who we used to be, and what we used to have, as one.

I loved you. I wanted so much, to save you. And I wanted you, to save me too. But back then, I didn't know that I got the whole equation completely wrong. You could not lift me up. You didn't even have the strength, to fight for me. It was someone else who would do so. And it was not I, who was meant to hold you and keep you from unraveling. It was someone else altogether.

Maybe sometimes, we want and we hope against hope to get what we want to the extent that we forget what we need. We carry too much weight, too many people on our backs and unquestioningly assume that it is our lot in life, our challenge, and then wonder why the hell we can't handle it. Maybe we're not meant to handle it. Maybe the weight, those burdens, those hearts, are not ours to bear. Maybe someone else is meant to take them on. Maybe someone else is far more suited and will do so better, a whole lot better than you or I, and gladly, with cheer.

Maybe we are supposed to learn, what love simply, is, by loving those who are not meant to stay with us. So that when someone else comes along, we know what it means to love and just how to love. How to treasure each moment with the ones we crazily and most ardently adore, and how to let go, when we have to, and give way to that someone else.)

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