Tuesday, August 11, 2009

it's like having a deep narrow hole in your heart. you can't see it, but you can feel it. blood leaks out in tiny trickles in an awfully slow unending manner, and your heart aches and aches and aches ever so acutely and quietly. fuck it hurts like hell. i don't know what's wrong with me. why i keep falling into the same hollow cavities, keep making the same mistakes, feeling like lousy stinking self-piteous shit and then enjoying the feeling of feeling like lousy stinking self-piteous shit because this is well-deserved punishment for feeling like lousy stinking self-piteous shit in the first place.

sometimes it feels like i'm so close to destroying everything even remotely good around me and in me. like the king who touches his daughter and turns her into cold hard inedible gold.

i only know how to love myself. i only know how to love the people who reflect me, who reflect the same wounds, the same desires, the same desperate wish to be saved while secretly wishing to die.

when you're on the fast path to absolute self-negation, it is good to go back to basics. sleep 8 hours a day. eat 3 meals a day. breathe and don't think too much about breathing because you'll screw it all up. be present and show up and attend your own life even when you don't want to. because that's the only way you'll ever start figuring out what your life even is.

love, love, love. now, now, now.

stick to the ones who make you laugh for real, who accept you for who you are, and who allow you to remember how phenomenally and thoroughly okay it is to be just that.

(they will hold you close and hold your limbs together while you try to keep up and hold it in inside.)