i find it so hard sometimes, to believe the words that people say. how do i know if they mean what they say? how do i know if i mean what i say? because maybe we're all not thinking at all. our brains have burned out and our collective consciousness is like a broken guitar string and we're only ever half-aware of the sounds we spill and the gestures we make in the air.

how do i know that what we have between us, is real? honestly, i don't know. and i guess i never will.

what i do know, and what i cling to most, are the instantaneous but fleeting moments which i find myself living in. while in them, i am able to experience the most immediate and intimate sense of certainty- the certainty of simply just knowing, that those smiles are real, those words are true, your hand over my hand over your hand, your heart and my heart beating like fingers drumming on the table with glee, delighted with the music being played, and whatever came before them (the ones i used to love, who i once sold my soul for, who i had my first kiss with, held hands with, said "i love you" to, wrote romantic poems to, shared this book with, this song with, this vision of a future, of a family with, all all all of that before you even came along- how was i to know that the things i did with them would, in the light of your presence, take on the form of mistakes -are they even considered "mistakes"?- which smash you into splinters; how was i to know that i was wasting my time and that you would show up at my door) or comes after,

doesn't compare to the engulfing intensity of the here and the now.