i wish i could have open, honest and artless conversations with certain people in my life- the people i have lost or whom have lost me or perhaps we simply did not hold on to each other tightly and tenaciously enough and we have lost each other amidst the currents of everyday living.
i wish i could have these conversations without any consequences and backlashes. where i can ask the questions that only seem to arise at 5am in the morning, such as, how are you? no really, how are you? what happened? where did it go wrong? what did i do wrong? why so much distance? why so much hate? i want to offer my apologies, i want to offer them so sincerely that i end up being unable to offer them at all. for i am sorry, i am sorry, i am sorry i do not know what i should be sorry for except that i am, truly, truly sorry. you deserve to be happy. i wish you well. and a thousand other hackneyed statements one only finds in greeting cards but which my heart has carved into itself. i bleed the words out to no one in particular. i know it is too late. we have past the reconciliation expiration date. we have lost each other amidst the currents of everyday living. i bleed the words back into myself, pump them right back into my body and struggle to contain them until all the questions and futile wishes drift out into the morning air and explode without a sound.