'Then the voice said: "Jump. It is worth it. There may be a handle in the centre, and you may catch hold of it and so come to us your own way. And if there is no handle, so that you may fall and are dashed to pieces - it is still worth it: you will still come to us your own way." So I jumped. There was a handle, and ----' He paused. Tears gathered in his mother's eyes. She knew that he was fated. If he did not die today he would die tomorrow. There was not room for such a person in the world. And with her pity disgust mingled. She was ashamed at having borne such a son, she who had always been so respectable and so full of ideas.
-- An extract from The Machine Stops by E. M. Forster.
At times like these, qoutes from my secondary school literature books keep resurfacing out of my memory. What if I told you they bring me comfort? It's amazing how one can draw strength from characters that are nonexistent (only at first nonexistent in any case). Somehow, remembering these lines, and then realizing with sweet startling surprise that I haven't forgotten a single word or jumbled them up, especially this line above, makes me feel great delight. "Jump." No no not like The Titanic's super cheesy and stupid "You jump. I jump." This one here, this one is exquisitely beautiful. It holds a thousand meanings to it you could draw innumerable inspirations from. Like, "listen to that voice inside of you". Like, "do not be afraid to try. Do not be afraid to fail."
And so I do. And who cares for the world who knows nothing of those impelling impulsions that moves us forth with such earnest passion? Who cares for their "disgust", for their "ideas" limited only to the flimsy surface of the physical earth; nothing deeper than that, nothing higher than that?
Art is the only subject where you know the questions beforehand. Hah.
I started my art prep work at 7 pm and have just completed a meagre page filled with only two drawings. It is 3.30 am right now. I have not started on art history and I am going to start now, since the exam takes place tomorrow. I will not sleep tonight. I can imagine the heads that are shaking to this declarative statement of mine. But how can I? Haha. Actually I could. But somehow I'm used to this sick punishment I enjoy forcing myself to swallow down entirely. Im so used to it I feel no sense of hurry at this moment. Maybe the panic will set in later, in about five seconds.
Been having a lot of mental torture lately, coming from certain sources / people of constant aggravation and annoyance. I deleted the previous post in relation to him, who I must announce is a bastard. See I write so formally in this entry. Haha. Yar right. I am detached from all these now... Okay okay not yet, not so soon, but that's at least that's what I hope to be in the very very near future. Am halfway there now. I just want to add a little note and clarification here: It wasn't who you thought it was, and it isn't you. So so sorry for my self-absorbed wallowing-in-self-pity-and-an-increasing-sense-of-confusion-and-uncertainty ranting then. I must have been drunk. I don't know how come you can take it. Haha. I hope you forget whatever was written, because it totally wastes your brain space, and that was very stupid of me, and yet it's stupid how powerful emotions can be too. How it can grab you and stifle you within a snap of it's long and sharp fingers.
I dreamt of Persuasion.
I love Si Min, because it is 3.53 am, and she is still online on MSN. At times like these, when the night, or rather, the early morning, overwhelms you with its bitter solitude and black isolation, it is extremely extremely reassuring to know that a heartwarming someone who understands you is still there, and very much so visibly, and because of that, the world, as you know it, and the frightful circumstance that surrounds you without sympathy, is not yet as hopeless as it seems to be.
Faith, have faith. >.<