Saturday, October 15, 2005

I cried yesterday. I believe it's the first time I cried this year, but then again, my memory is remarkably lousy, so I could be wrong. I cried right in front of my art teacher. It was really very very embarrassing. I felt stripped of all possible pride that one could ever possess. I felt very small and transparent, and I hated this feeling of being so helpless and defenceless. And the more she spoke to me, the more the tears just came, and soon I couldn't even hear her voice, because I was forcing my own voice to take over my mind, "Stop crying. Stop embarrassing yourself Faith."

But it seemed to make me cry even more... This inability to even control my own tears. It was really horrible. The floor seemed to sway left and right and my vision blurred and the colours ran. If there was only something to distract me from thinking, because everything seemed to be pouring out with my tears and it could not stop- all my thoughts, all the accumulation of past events that happened, all the stupid things that I've said and done, all the people that have hurt me and made me so so so tired of them, and all the people that I have hurt as well. If only they would go away. I kept rubbing my eyes, trying to hide the tears, but they were everywhere and I could do nothing to hide my wet eyes, my wet cheeks, my wet hands. It was really embarrassing.

But I was bound to cry anyway, sooner or later, one of these days, because a myriad number of things have been adding up, pushing and weighing my shoulders down more and more each day. So much pressure, so much stress, so many people to settle scores with (haha... if you only knew what I mean), the endless commitments that I threw myself into...

She asked me, "Is there anything you want to tell me? Is there anything I should know?"

And I thought, "There's a lot you should know, but I'll never tell you."

Because what's the point? She'll probaby tell me, "You deserved it. Who ask you to give yourself so much commitments?"

But it's not just the commitments that are wearing me out, because I love them all. I calculated my time very meticulously before commiting myself to them, and I thought I could handle them well. I really did think I could handle them very well. But then there are also a lot more commitments that you never asked for, but you just have them, and you just have to deal with them. And more often than not, these commitments outrightly demand your immediate attention so selfishly, and they are more exhausting, more mentally straining, than all the other things that you've voluntarily given yourself into.

"Sorry," I said, and I didn't say anymore.

Sorry because I don't trust you, and I think you will look down on me (or maybe you already do) and think that all my problems are so shallow and I'm so shallow and stupid. Sorry because I think I already know what you will tell me in response to all that I would say. Sorry because I have this feeling that even as I was crying, you were probably thinking that these were all crocodile tears, and if I were to tell you even more, you would probably think that I'm cooking up excuses. Sorry because I think its so unfair that you seem to think I'm lazy and lousy, and I want to think that I'm not, but maybe you are right to think this way, maybe I am. Sorry I didn't hand my edusave consent form up in time, because it kept slipping out of my mind. I don't even know why. It's such a simple small thing and I can't even get it done properly. I am ashamed of myself. Sorry because I dragged everybody down and if they can't use edusave to pay, it is all my fault. I'm selfish. I'm sorry. Sorry because I wanted to show you how good I am. I wanted to show you what I could do. I wanted to surprise myself. I wanted to. Sorry that I've disappointed you. I've disappointed myself too. I think I've lost my passion.

Sorry because I can't even handle my life right now. I can't handle the things that are going on. I'm trapped in a cycle that I can't get out of. I want to break down and just run away, because that's the easiest thing to do, but I can't, because that would be so cowardly of me. But maybe I just want to be a coward. Sorry because I'm selfish. I only think about myself. I only think about my problems. Sorry because I've been thinking a lot, but I've never brought anything to action because I'm afraid, and I don't know what I'm afraid of. I hate the words, "We need to talk." And I don't want to be the one who says them. So we shall just pretend, that nothing is really wrong at all. We shall just pretend, and keep as quiet as I usually am. And all these things will just go away, because that's what time does. So I shall wait for that, for time to make everything go by, and there's nothing I will tell you, because by then, there's nothing left to say.

Someone once told me, "Sometimes I think I even need time away from you."

And I laughed because I was thinking, "If you need time away from me now, when I've told you nothing, what will happen when I start telling you something?"

I think you will die. :P