Tuesday, March 08, 2011

I fantasize a great deal, and sometimes I get so excited about what I could be, what I could create, that my heart feels as though it is leaping from the edge of an unbelievably high cliff into an ocean of glistening possibilities; my heart feels as though it is on the cusp of a loud and crazy scream, and I don't dare utter a single word, my heart pounding and pounding, for fear of breaking the wondrous spell that I've cast upon myself, for fear that I may really, really let out a cry, first victoriously, and then later out of self-conscious embarrassment, or worse, that I may burst into fiery flames of passionateness and then everything would vanish in an instant. So I hold it in, grab it by it's tail and keep it close in sight like a flying kite, I wait until the strong current of air subsides and it slowly begins to falter the way the flame of a candle flickers in the dark and eventually, finally, dies out.

I have never screamed hysterically before, never screamed the way stars do in movies, stopping on the highway in the middle of the night, yelling gibberish at the sea, throwing their cellphones down and feeling light and free. I'm too practical- my phone is too expensive, I don't want to get a sore throat. But maybe I should, just for kicks. Hold anything in for too long and it starts to stink like a rotting carcass.

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